HeBrews Faith Cafe

A Simply Christ-Centered Christmas

2010-12-10T16:56:00.012-05:00

"Lord, you establish peace for us; all that we have accomplished you have done for us.” Isaiah 26:12 (NIV)

On Tuesday, I shared about the Christmas where I was completely overwhelmed by preparations and tangled up in unrealistic expectations. I prayed that God would help me to never let it happen again and I can honestly say each Christmas gets better and better.

There are two things that have helped me. First, I try to keep Jesus on my mind during December. I know it should be that way all the time, but honestly December is the hardest because we add too much to our already overloaded lives.

So, I listen to Christmas music as much as I can and look for reminders of Christ in the many Christmas symbols. Each time I see one, I pause to ponder their significance. For instance, when I see a Christmas tree, I stop and think about the wooden cradle and Cross that held my Savior. Their evergreen color reminds me of the gift of everlasting Life I have in Christ.

Christmas reds remind me of the lavish love and sacrificial blood that was shed by Him for me. Stars on houses and treetops remind me of the Star of Bethlehem that led the way to Jesus. Wreaths on doors remind me of His unending circle of grace and mercy.

A favorite of mine, the Candy Cane, reminds me that by His stripes we are healed. It's shape is that of a shepherd's crook reminding me that He is my Shepherd. And when I turn it upside down, it's a J to remind me that Christmas is all about Jesus. These and more help me keep Christ in the center of my Christmas.

The other thing that has really helped me is to simplify. This doesn't come easy for me but when it comes to celebrating Jesus' birthday, I've been reminded that the first Christmas was very simple. So, I'm moving mine in that direction.

Instead of just doing things because I've always done them, I've started asking what matters most to my family and me. And I'm letting the rest go. If something is not necessary, I'm cutting it out. I want peace and joy more than decorations, preparations and unnecessary obligations.

Peace comes from margins of time in my day and in my mind. Joy comes from seeing my family
smile. I've shared this desire with my family and asked for their help. I also asked what traditions or decorations matter most to them.

A Christmas tree was at the top of their list. A few decorations in each room downstairs. This year we're putting out our favorite things but not all our things. Andrew loves the Christmas village we found on sale after Christmas one year, so we put it out. But I did away with the white sparkly cotton that went under it because it was messy and drove me crazy. Now our kitchen counters host a cozy Christmas town that warms our imaginations but doesn't make me want to shrink and hide in the steeple of that miniature church.

Here are some other great suggestions some of you shared on Facebook:

Enjoy one fun activity a week - like going to a Christmas movie or play, staying home drinking hot chocolate and eating cookies, going to a Christmas church activity, or reading a Christmas book, Christmas magazines, enjoying Christmas games and puzzles. ~Joyce Watson

Find crafts that double as decorations. That way the kids are having fun, and it gives them some pride to see what they did everywhere they look. Bake together and then give the delicious treats out as presents. ~Tricia Preston
Take pictures of your decorations so that next year it isn't stressful trying to find a perfect place for everything. ~Julie Leary Hull
Keep decorating efforts simple by doing 4 main areas: door, table, tree, mantle. It "covers" enough to be festive but you don't feel like you have to decorate every inch. ~Linda Elliot Moore
Let kids help decorate and don't stress if your house doesn't look like Southern Living:-) ~ Kelly Casse Thomas

Simple sometimes means a smaller tree, or even a little potted tree!~ Karen Paul

Make bows with wired ribbon to put here and there, to add just a pretty touch. Pick long needle pine branches, put a bunch in a vase with a bow, very Christmassy! ~Sandy Allen
Ask "Will it still be Christmas if I don't...?" (buy one more gift, make one more batch of cookies, host a Christmas party, etc.) Christmas will come whether we have presents or our room is bare, whether our husband is here or not, whether we have 3 Christmas trees, just one or none. Only ONE thing is needed. ~Deb Galetka Heath

God is using Proverbs 24:3-4 to remind me that at this time of the year I need His wisdom most. By seeking understanding from Him, and acquiring knowledge from those we love, we can fill our hearts and our homes with rare and beautiful treasures - Christmas memories, traditions, laughter, peace and joy!

By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures. Proverbs 24:3-4

Keeping up....

2009-02-08T21:13:00.007-05:00

Hi friends and family,

I have not been so good at keeping up our family blog but I have been little Miss blogger over at "The Journey of My Heart." I hope you'll click on the button on the sidebar and hop on over to find out what is new with us. I've just completed a month of encouragement for moms.

The boys are doing great. It's been a year of transition but they are finding a new place to belong and loving it. Neither of them have enjoyed sports which sometimes makes it limiting in making friends. But now they both are becoming big skateboard fanatics and several of their good friends are, too. They've been spending all of their afternoons doing ollies and jumps off the sidewalk and steps outside this past week - even when it was 20 degrees outside!

JJ took them to a skateboard park with some friends this weekend and they had a blast. He's such a great dad, always finding new ways to make them laugh and enjoy everyday life. If you want to see some of his creativity on a boring afternoon, here is a video they made one Sunday afternoon last year before we moved.

When they aren't flying paper airplanes, they are having lots of sleepovers and hanging out with new and old friends. We love seeing our kids growing in their relationships and finding a group of friends we really enjoy having around. Our prayer and hope is that our house will be a fun hang out , and that is becoming the case. We've also started hosting the youth group of boys in middle school and high school at our house on Wednesday nights. We decided it would be my writing night so I head over to Panera. JJ said he thinks that is totally God ordained so I don't have to witness the mayhem and nerf wars!

JJ's job is going well and he really liking his role as a project manager at Vanguard. He meets with a co-worker from China who asked him about Jesus and the Bible a few years ago. They went through the book of John and Simon put his faith in Christ. His wife did too a year later. God is really using him there to be a picture of His love. His health is good and he's been free from any kind of stomach problems for several weeks, since he finished antibiotics after that horrible bacterial infection that left him hospitalized in November. His liver enzyme levels went up again so he's taking a new natural supplement that is good for your liver and we're hoping that will help. He is going to see a specialist when he finished his first bottle full.

Our adoption is still in the "waiting" phase. We called the agency in December and they encouraged us to be patient and not lose hope. I feel like we just came up to a big wall. But I know God's timing is perfect and that He can see the big picture. He knows what our life looks like from a wide-lens view and we don't. We are praying that He'll use us and our new home to be a place of refuge for someone who needs a place while we wait. There are so many people in need now with the economy and we are so blessed so we want to share it in some way. We're just praying and watching to see how His plans unfold.

I am doing well, too. Family and ministry is keep my life at full capacity. Each day is an adventure but each day God provides just what I need. I couldn't do all that He's called me to do without the amazing support and help of my family and friends. So, thank you for being there for me and filling in my gaps with prayer, help and encouragement.

I wanted to also ask anyone stopping by here to please pray for my cousin Marybeth who is recovering from a double mastectomy and experiencing infections and complications. She's such an amazing mom, wife, daughter and woman. It's been a long road and my heart is just burdened for her. Please pray for her strength, her healing and huge doses of encouragement. Also, please pray for my friend Kim who is in the second year of winner her battle against stage four breast cancer. She has numerous tumors in her bones and is in a lot of pain. She's also a wife and mom to three beautiful kids. Please pray for her strength, healing, shrinkage of tumors, effective treatment and encouragement.

I feel so blessed to have these amazing women in my life but it's hard to see them suffer. Please keep them and their families in your prayers.

I guess I should end this blog book chapter. It's great to catch up and I hope you'll come back soon. Remember, if you are wondering where we are when we don't post here, be sure to hop over to The Journey of My Heart and you'll find us there!

Hugs and blessings,

Letting Go while Holding On

2008-11-06T13:55:00.000-05:00

I am working on letting go of our dream for these two precious girls but holding onto the hope and plans God has for our family. Getting hurt makes it hard to hope again but that is when I have to take hold of my hope place it in Christ alone - not in the dream or the plans He has for us. I shared a letter on my personal blog that I wrote to the girls. This letter really helped me process the loss and let go of two beautiful girls that were never mine. Click here if you'd like to read it.

Update on the Girls

2008-11-04T20:44:00.000-05:00

We got a call last night from our adoption agency director. She left a message saying that somehow a miscommunication happened and a family from Germany is adopting the girls we thought we were adopting. Our agency, wasn't notified until they called to say we wanted to adopt them.

I feel like I just had a miscarriage. I've been crying off and on all day. I am so sad. I don't want to hear that God has a better plan. I don't want to hear that God has other children. I know that is truth. But right now, I feel really sad. And I need to feel what I'm feeling. It makes me want to run. It makes me fall on my knees and cry. It pushes me into the arms of my Father's embrace where He whispers what it true.

I have to trust Him. It's not a option for me not to. I know His heart is good and His ways are loving. We have prayed for Him to open and close doors. We know that He already knows who our daughter or daughters will be. We only want what He wants and we want what is best for the girls we now have engraved in our hearts. It's just hurts when His answers aren't ours.

It has surprised me how quickly I fell for these two precious girls. But then I remembered the hours I spent this weekend looking through our agency's private photo web album to find the girls in snapshots. I looked in the background to see if I could find them on the playground, in the classroom and in the dining area of the agency. I found a few and felt like I had spent time watching them play. They didn't know I was there but my heart was falling in love each time I saw them.

Their sweet photo is on my desktop. It's also in my Bible and was with me all day. I know God brought them to me for a reason and I will pray for them daily until He takes the memory of their faces from me. I had started writing letters to them and praying scriptures for them in my heart. I know He will take these treasures and use them for His purposes, whether I ever know it or not.

At first I felt like God didn't want us to give up to easily. Maybe we needed to fight to get the girls. Last night I felt compelled to pray that He'd make a way where there is no way. I prayed believing and I still do. I just know that I also have to let go and trust what He has next for us. We found out today that the adopting family visited the orphanage recently and went through the orphanage to make arrangements to adopt them. Their dossier is complete and it is being processed. It looks like this is their forever family after all and when I stop crying, I will be happy for them. I promise I will!

I need to not feel so sad for much longer. I have radio recording tomorrow and need to be strengthened in my spirit to encourage others as I record these shows. There is so much more going on in the world around me but this news has made my little world tilt just a little of center today.

Beautiful Faces, Beautiful Hearts

2008-10-31T18:38:00.017-04:00

Ethiopian children have the most beautiful faces and hearts! Every time I see them, I want more than one. And this is coming from a woman who wasn't so crazy about the idea of adopting any kids from any country. I liked my comfortable, fairly predictable life. But boy has God worked His ways in me and given me His heart for the children in Ethiopia.

We received an updated DVD of waiting children in the orphanages our agency works with. We have fallen in love with a few of them. There are moments when I just want to quit all that I do(at work and in ministry) and bring home 10 kids. Then sanity kicks in and I realize that is not God's calling for our family...at least not this week.

On Wednesday night JJ came home from a three day camping trip with Andrew and his whole 5th grade class. The first thing he did was run to the mailbox to see if the DVD was here. And it was! He took a shower and watched the DVD completely through without me. I was doing something (probably blogging) and didn't even know he was watching it.

He made a list of girls that fit in our age range plus a few extra that he liked that are a year or two older. Then he gave me the list and asked me to watch the DVD. I was drawn to all the same girls he'd picked. Together we narrowed it down to nine and emailed their names to our agency.

One set of siblings was already on hold but the rest of the girls were still available. I was hoping God would narrow it down a little more for us. There was only one set of girls (who are sisters) that are within the age range we stated on our home study. We prayed that God would show us what to do. Are these the girls He has for us? Or are we supposed to do an addendum to our home study and adopt one of the others that is a little older?

We both went back and forth. We didn't know what to do or how to decide. So we didn't decide anything. We knew this wasn't something for us to figure out. This was a decision that had already been made before eternity was set in our hearts - before we had ever taken a breath - before we even knew that our lives would become one.

For the past 48 hours we have been praying and pondering all of the possibilities. Our hearts have moved across the board and landed in more than one place. But separately God has brought us both back to the same place and we have made our decision!

We are pursuing the adoption of two beautiful little girls who are seven and nine. We cannot say anything more about them until we hear back from our agency and we are approved. But I cannot wait to share tell you more and to show you the beautiful blessings God has been preparing for us!

It's in Ethiopia

2008-09-25T16:33:00.002-04:00

We heard from our agency that our dossier is in Ethiopia and it's in the process of being translated. It will then go through the court system. They are closed still but I think they open October 1. Our agency director will be traveling to Ethiopia in October to meet and vdieo interview more of the new children who are waiting.

Many of the children we felt drawn to were already placed with families by the time we completed our dossier and could request more information on them. There are a few girls that are 10 years old that we were interested in but they are out of the original age range we had put in our home study. We'd have to do an addendum to get that changed - which we may do eventually - but for now we feel like God wants us to wait. Many times they are actually older than they papers say so we could end up completely bumping Andrew to the youngest again and we don't have peace about that at this point.

We know it's all in God's hands and He already knows who will be our daughter. For now we wait and trust His plans and His timing.

We'll keep you posted! Thanks for your prayers.

Our Dossier is on the way! (to Ethiopia)

2008-09-05T14:32:00.000-04:00

Just days before we left for vacation, we completed our dossier for the adoption of our little girl(s) in Ethiopia. Just in case you didn't know, we are in the process of adopting a daughter or two between the ages of 4- 10 from Africa.

It's been almost a year since JJ and I felt God calling us to take the first steps. We did a lot of research last fall and then completed our home study in January/February. We got our I-600A approval in the Spring and have been working on our dossier for the past several months. There is so much paperwork! Look at all those stacks, with multiple papers in each pile.

The boys are so excited that we are finally done with the paperwork and actually making progress. It's been a long wait for them. They keep asking "WHEN" are we really going to adopt? Part of our delay was that we put our house on the market, sold it in four weeks and moved in May, but the reason we moved was to make room for our new family so it was worth the wait.

Okay, can you see the excitement in their eyes as we prepared for the auditing of this paperwork?! We double checked our stacks, made sure we had everything on the official list, had the boys bring us each piece as we read it out to them and then put the dossier in one envelope.

The next day the boys and I went to the post office to mail everything. We also needed to send our power of attorney paperwork to the secretaries of state in NC and in Washington state where our adoption agency is located.

I was a little paranoid so I double checked AGAIN to make sure I had the right papers in the right envelopes going to the right addresses with the right return envelopes so they could send them back to the right people - us or our agency.

Here the boys are ready to send "the package"! It felt like that envelope was holding a million dollars. What an amazing day - what an amazing accomplishment. Now it's all in HIS hands!!

We found out this week that it's been sent to Washington, DC for approval, then it will go to our agency and they will send it to Ethiopia to be interpreted and submitted to the courts. It usually takes 4-9 months from this point (I think).

With our dossier completed, we can now view DVDs that have footage and some interviews of children in the orphanages who are waiting for families. As we watch them, we pray and trust that God is going to show us just who she is - just who this little girl or girls will be that He wants us to bring home.

Counting Down the Days of Summer

2008-08-25T16:30:00.000-04:00

Last Thursday was Open House at the middle school for Joshua where we got to meet his teachers and find out what friends are in his classes. Then we ran to Target for our final school shopping spree. While we were there some pretty girls started following my 13yr old son around, saying his name and then hiding behind shelves and clothes. They were 10! I am not ready for this! I thought I was going to lose it when they showed up in the underwear and socks area where we he was selecting his first pair of "boxers." I'm not ready for that either. I thought men wore boxers. My first born son is now a man-cub.

Friday was Andrew''s Open House at the elementary school where we got to meet his teacher- who I love. Guess what? One of the girls from Target is in Andrew's class! That pretty girl who was stalking my 13 yr old totally blew off my 5th grader, rolled her eyes at him and flipped her hair as she spun around to walk away, right as I was introducing myself to her mom. I was oh so tempted to say something but I kept my mouth shut. Good thing I'm reading "Taming the Tongue." It surely came in handy that day.

Friday afternoon the boys invited four friends over to our house for an end-of-summer sleepover. It was so much fun! We had a house full with 2 parents and 6 boys! They ate pizza, ice cream, chips and brownies until they could eat no more. We played capture the flag, hide-n-go seek, a family game called ghost and then we did the unthinkable!

The boys wanted to do something crazy and fun before going to bed. So we gave them each a roll of toilet paper and loaded them into our van. This was not pre-meditated, I promise! JJ drove them over to a friends house and let them "roll" Clint's car at 10pm. He's actually the dad of two of the boys that were here, and he's a youth pastor, so we knew he'd be cool with it.

JJ took our camera and video taped the whole thing. Oh, and he wore his VT Hokie wig for added flare. When they got back we watched the video. The boys loved seeing themselves in the pitch of night with a camera spotlight and white rolls of paper sneaking around.

Saturday morning I woke up feeling bad about the mess Clint would have to clean up so I drove over at 7am to help him. His car was already gone and their trash can was full of toilet paper. There were a few straggling strips laying on the ground so I picked them up and my prankster's remorse was relieved. Later that morning when he came to get his boys the kids showed him the DVD. They loved seeing his reaction and smile. He had no idea it was them.

The rest of our weekend was filled with a birthday party, a date night, school paperwork, menu planning, more time with friends, church, youth group, and two very pooped parents!

Village People

2008-08-14T16:27:00.001-04:00

We've been on vacation in The Villages!

I ran out of time to blog the big news before we left and we had limited internet so now I get to tell you all about it with a few photos.

Last Saturday we drove eight hours south to central Florida to see JJ's parents who live in "The Villages" in Lady Lake. It's beautiful, relaxing and there are tons of fun things to do!

We were "village people" for a few days and it was quite the life of leisure! We played miniature golf while JJ took Joshua to the driving range for his first time.

Andrew and I got a hole in one! That's us posing on the green.

Grandpa also taught us all how to play pickle ball ( a combo of tennis, whiffle ball and table tennis) in the rain!

Grandma set up Dominoes on the dining room table so we could play it whenever we wanted to. Our favorite game is Mexican Train and Josh proved to be the champion by winning every time!

Village people live in a golf-cart community so we drove golf carts everywhere. JJ's parents even rented a four-seater just for us. It's one of the boys favorite things about where grandma and grandpa live.

This is Grandpa Swope's newest pride and joy, and it's electric!

On Sunday JJ and I slept late, went for a morning run, and then went to church at noon with everyone. We all ate lunch out and then we went home. After which, I read a book ALL DAY! I had checked out James Patterson's newest novel "Sundays at Tiffany's" from the library last week. It's a sweet love story and I read the whole thing in a day. Now that has never happened before, but I'm hoping it can become my new pastime :-).

JJ played table tennis with his dad on Monday and then we all went out for lunch and ice cream. They played golf with his dad friends on Tuesday while the boys played bocchi ball and bocchi golf with grandma and I took a nap after watching two episodes of "What Not to Wear" - another something I never get to do. What a treat!

Every night we gathered in the family/tv room to watch the Olympics for hours and then went to bed oh so late!

We left the Villages yesterday and drove home all day. Let me tell ya, it was hard to leave! The livin' is easy down there.

Well, one of us got to enjoy it a little longer. Joshua is still there for a few days all by himself ( a first for him), with his grandparents. They are driving him back home on Saturday.

We're not really ready yet for real life with the stress and strains of having a schedule, homework and projects for all of us at work and school, so we've decided to take a spontaneous beach trip this weekend just the four of us. It will be our last summer vacation as a foursome since we plan to add more kiddos by next summer!

We're going to meet Joshua and the grands halfway between here and there (in SC) and stay through next Weds on Hilton Head Island. I can't wait to stretch summer out just a little more before school and speaking season starts in just a little over a week. I'm going to wiggle my toes in the sand, listen to the ocean breeze and maybe lose myself in another book! I'll keep you posted.

I hope you are enjoying your last days of summer - stretchin' them out as long as you can!!!

Working on our Dossier

2008-07-07T21:05:00.002-04:00

This weekend we pulled out all of the paperwork for our dossier and divided it into piles. One pile included several forms, certificates and statements we need to take to the bank to have notarized. Another pile was for letters I need to type up and send to people to sign and have notarized, like reference letters, employer letters, etc. Another pile was for the harder things like a letter to the Secretary of State, getting a letter of clearance from the local police department on letterhead and notarized stating that we have no criminal records, and medical clearance letters for both us. We also need to get 8 passport photos for each of us.

So, this week we are really trying to get all of this done. Please pray for the hardest things in that last pile. We really need God to go before us and show us what steps to take to help things happen quickly. We want to get all of this done by July 15th so we can get it to Ethiopia before the courts close in August but that may be hopeful (even unrealistic) thinking. But with God all things are possible! And if it has to wait, we will trust God's timing to be perfect!

Thanks for praying and cheering us on!

Adoption Training & Summer Fun

2008-06-27T16:40:00.008-04:00

We watched the last DVD and completed our adoption training this week!! I thought we had 4 more sessions but it ended up being only one. Thank goodness! We actually had to watch the DVD two times and then review the main points to "get" all of the information. It was about attachment, bonding, non-traditional discipline and up close parenting, etc. My brain is still mush from She Speaks so it took a lot of effort to absorb it and prepare for the test we had to take online as well.

But we passed!!! Yeah!! Now we take the next step - finish our dossier. We've got to figure out who is getting which documents notarized and then schedule to have more passport photos taken. We need 6 each. Not sure why but we do. Our goal is to get all of this done and mailed before mid-July in hopes that we can apply for our girls before the courts in Ethiopia close for the summer. Please pray we'd be very timely in our assignments.

This weekend we're going to relax and enjoy some fun with our two boys. Joshua and Andrew have invited friends over for the day. We're getting ready to cook-out hamburgers and then take all five of them to play laster tag. Then we'll come back for dessert and a game of capture the flag before crashing in front of the tv for a movie. Their friends are also spending the night and then going to shoot paint ball with our youth group in the morning. I am making up for all lost summer "adventures" that we haven't done since school was out due to all that was going on pre-She Speaks.

I love being a mom and seeing how much I can win all these boys' hearts with food and fun. You should have heard them grunt and grin when I got back from the store and filled the fridge and freezer with French fries, hamburgers, ice cream, Gatorade, cookies, chocolate milk and cinnamon rolls.

Welcome summer - I'm so glad you are here!!!!

Our Adoption Journey Continues

2008-06-24T21:19:00.002-04:00

Wow, it's been a while since I updated our family blog. We've been so busy with moving, getting unpacked and getting prepared for the She Speaks conference I was part of this past weekend with Proverbs 31 that I didn't realize it's been more than a month!

Many of you have asked me where we are with our adoption so I thought this would be a great time for an update, since this is the week we get going again. For those of you new to our blog, we are in the process of adopting two daughters from Ethiopia. That is why we recently moved - to make room for our girls! We hope to have them home by the end of this year or early 2009.

So, here is where we are. Our home study is complete and has been approved by our adoption agency. We got our I600 approval in early May. So now all we need to do now is complete our DVD Adoption training (required by our agency) and our dossier. We have watched and taken tests online for 3 training sessions. We have 4 to go and hope to get them completed this week.

Now the dossier is a bit overwhelming. There are SO many documents that have to be notarized. We had already gotten a lot of them completed for the home study but they didn't have to be notarized. So now we have to go back and get them signed again - ie. doctors approval for everyone, employment letters, bank statements, marriage licenses, birth certificates. etc. Not sure how to go about it all but once my brain recovers from the conference I am sure we'll get it figured out.

Once we complete our training and our dossier, we'll watch the "Waiting Children" dvd again (with over 100 kids who need families) and prayerfully search for the treasured ones God already has chosen to be part of our family. It's about to get really exciting!!!

Packing UP and Counting DOWN

2008-05-10T11:02:00.002-04:00

We're packing up and counting down the days 'til we move. We close on Thursday this week. We cannot believe it's already here...to read more please visit my Journey blog.

Updates and Tears

2008-05-01T10:41:00.003-04:00

It's been a really hard two weeks since I last posted here. We've had a lot of issues with our repair report on our current home. Lots of expenses and trying to come to an agreement about what we could afford to fix since we are limited in our funds.

This week our precious dog died. I shared about our loss on my other blog. Please click here to read more about her and how we're doing.

We heard back from our buyers today and they have graciously agreed to all of our repairs. I think there had been some break down in communications and God filled in the gaps this morning. I am thanking Him deeply today for bringing a sense of closure to what has felt very uncertain the past two weeks.

He is really stretching me/us and preparing our family for many new beginnings. It's been very hard but I am learning to trust Him in deeper ways than I was before. Ugggh, why does it have to be so hard sometimes.

Pizza and a POD

2008-04-19T14:57:00.004-04:00

Announce you're having a pizza party and people will come! Insert the words Pod-packing pizza party and the guys won't even know they've been roped in. Pizza is all they hear. Throw in some amazing friends who gave up a Friday night to come help the crazy move-in-a-month Swope family. Add in 10 kids and all that work just became a whole lot of fun.

My mom came over two days this week and we packed over 25 boxes. My friend Sharon came over all day yesterday and we packed another 15+ boxes. She headed home at about 3pm. Soon after I left to get the boys and meet JJ at our new house to do a walk-through with our builder. That lasted 3 hours but it was so much fun to hear all the details about our new home.

Sharon came back at 6pm along with my other friend, Teresa. JJ's friends Jim and Jason came by after work. They all brought their kids, too. We ate pizza and then loaded all those boxes and four rooms of furniture into a POD that was delivered to our house yesterday. I couldn't believe how much fit in there and there's still room for more!

What a day. What a week. Lots of packing. Lots of progress. I feel so great about all that we got done. Our house is really starting to look like we're moving. Empty walls. Empty rooms. Empty closets. Yay!

Tonight we have an engagement party/cook-out to go to so that will be a great break and a fun get-away. All our Pod-packing friends and a bunch more will be there so I am looking forward to just hanging out and relaxing.

Hope you're having a great weekend. Thanks for your prayers. I can see how they are being answered!

Packing Pauses and Perspectives

2008-04-15T22:50:00.005-04:00

We put the packing on pause while I traveled this weekend to speak in FL. Now I feel so behind. How will we get everything packed in a month? I hate feeling like this. My personality really likes to see progress and the boxes are still in the same place they were in when I left last Friday.

I am trying not to get anxious during my packing pause. I am trying to look at this from a different and more positive perspective. I am trying not to focus on what we haven't gotten done, but celebrate the little and big things we have.

We had our current home inspection yesterday and it went well. Two big check marks! The buyer, Realtor and two inspectors were here all afternoon. (Side note: They showed up at 3:30pm and I still had on my pajamas. You'll have to read yesterday's journey blog to appreciate that little tid bit!)

JJ cleaned out our shed while I was gone, which is a huge accomplishment since it was full of yard stuff and anything else we wanted to hide. We don't have a shed at the new house so he had a lot of stuff to part with. It was gone by the time I got home on Sunday.

Yesterday afternoon (while I was still in my jammies) I got my power points done for my next retreat in two weeks.

Last night and tonight I ate dinner with my family, spent some fun time together. Snuggled with Andrew and rubbed his back while he fell asleep. I worked with Joshua on his literature project that is due tomorrow. It's been a good two days as a family.

Oh, and JJ and I went on a date this week. Instead of jumping back into packing Sunday night while our kids were at a youth event, we went out for coffee. It was a working date but a date still. We planned our week together. We drank lattes and laughed in the Target Starbucks. Then JJ shopped with me for some cute summer tops - he held them while I scanned the racks. When we got home he patiently watched me try each one on and told me how much he liked them. My heart smiled a lot. Well, until he said I looked like a watermelon - then quickly clarified it was the colors of my shirt and not my shape.

Thank you Lord for new packing perspectives. You've helped me see that I can reduce my stress about all this packing stuff by making a list of not what I need to do - but what I've already done. Hmm, I wonder what other areas of my life could use a new perspective...

God Supplies

2008-04-10T19:02:00.005-04:00

Well, blogging this week has proved to be harder than I thought it would be. I guess I thought it would take longer to get going but once we set our closing date for May 15th, the frenzy began!
We've been non-stop planning, gathering supplies, and packing.

God has supplied abundantly more than we may even need in supplies! But boy am I thankful He has. We have over 100 boxes broken down in our garage to use - provided by our friends Mark and Melissa who own a bookstore and by Lysa and Art who own a Chick-fil-A. We also got 2 of those super duper tape guns from Mark and Melissa and another one from our friends Butch and Mandy, and they gave us 3 boxes of bubble wrap sheets which are perfect for dishes!

We started with the hardest part first, our three large walk-in attics. JJ unloaded box after box, plastic tub after tub into our bonus room. I went through each one, deciding what to keep, what to give and what to toss! We blessed the Salvation Army with 9 boxes of clothes today.

I had forgotten how much hard work this would be, how very exhausting it is to move. I've looked around and grunted, "Surely we could have fit another child in here." Many times as my head pounded and my muscles ached my body grumbled, "Why are we doing this?" And in those moments I've closed my eyes and remembered the faces of the children on the DVD who are waiting for someone to bring them home - someone to chose them for their family. More than once I have put down my tape gun and driven to our new home to "see" the place God has chosen for us to build our family.

If you are in a hard place and wondering why you are there, questioning if you have made the right choice - I hope you'll pull out a photo or read an old journal and remember how God got you where you are. If you are not sure if He got you there, simply bow your head and tell Him today you are choosing to trust in Him with all your heart, tell Him you're not going to lean on your own understanding (but on His), acknowledge Him in all your ways and believe that He will make your path straight. Then take a photo or write something down so you can go back to it next time your are filled with exhaustion or doubt.

Once again, thank you for your prayers and the joy you have shared with us. I am so glad you are along for the journey with us!!!

We have a signed CONTRACT!

2008-04-07T11:02:00.004-04:00

Thank you so much for praying for us. God has blown our minds with the details of His provision for our house to sell. On Friday we had a conference call with our lender and much to our surprise we were able to accept the offer (which was about 6,000 less than we thought we needed). Because our builder is contributing so much to our closing cost, there is enough to buy down the interest rate which put our house payment where we needed it to be. We spent all of Friday night and Saturday praying, processing and making sure we had all the details right and God clearly told us to sign the contract. So, we did!!

We get to determine our closing date so today we're looking into moving costs, and seeing what is realistic physically and financially. There is that extra cost of principal and interest if you move on a day other than the last of the month, so we're trying to figure all of that out, too. We're either moving April 30th or mid-May.

We're on Spring Break. Perfect timing, huh? As I shared last week, we're going to have some local fun, (no the kids haven't slept in the van yet :->) clean out our attics and start collecting and packing boxes.

I am going to try to blog this week about little and big God-moments we've had along the way that lead us to this final decision. I can't wait to have this story to share with our new daughter/daughters because it's her/them coming into our family that brought us to this new place in His plans for us.

Thanks SO much for your part in all of it - your PRAYERS and encouragement!!!!

We got an offer on our house!

2008-04-02T22:13:00.004-04:00

Hi there!!! I am so excited and a little numb. We got an offer on our house today. It's $19,000 less than our asking price but it's an offer! I've been totally distracted and consumed by number crunching this afternoon. We've got to figure out our bottom line since we are still crunching numbers for taxes and adoption expenses. Spring break is next week and it is looking very low budget and very local. My kids asked today if they can sleep in our van one night as an adventure since we aren't going to any hotels. I said "sure." Beats the Hampton Inn for $150!

Will you say a little prayer for us that we know what God wants us to make our bottom line. He clearly gave us a number to offer on the new house so we know He knows what our lowest asking price should be on this one. We know we don't have to move so we want to be wise in our negotiations and trust God with the outcome.

Also, about the adoption DVD - thanks so much for your prayers and encouragement. We watched it all the way through once Monday night and finished at 1am. Then took a break last night. It's so much to process. Tonight we're praying and looking at house numbers so we'll probably wait and watch it again this weekend. God's given us such a peace about the process and the timing. What an adventure of faith.

I'll keep you posted :-).

It's here!!! The Waiting Children DVD!!

2008-03-31T18:03:00.003-04:00

We've got what we've been waiting for!!! We received our "Waiting Children" DVD in the mail last night. I guess it came on Saturday but we'd been gone all weekend. When JJ handed it to me, I couldn't mentally process the reality of what this means to watch this DVD. We were on our way to a friend's house so we set it aside and decided to wait until tonight to watch it. I think we both knew we were not emotionally or physically ready to watch it.

This DVD has interviews of children who are in the orphanage waiting for families or who are being processed to come to the orphanage. My heart is about to break as I read over the list of names that came with it, that tell their ages, if they are HIV+ or if they have any other health needs. One is deaf with a lazy eye, another has Hydrocephalis, another uses a walker. Then the list includes many who are HIV+.

On just this one list there are over 100 sets of children waiting. Yes, I said "sets" there are 1-4 children in each set. Friends, the Swopes are not going to need a new house, we are going to need a ranch with a mansion on it so we can bring home more kids. How will we watch this video and choose one or two?

Oh my, we REALLY need your prayers as we pray together tonight asking God to lead our hearts to our daughter, or daughters, or daughter and son. Yes, we may adopt more than one. Please pray for us as we watch. Should we watch it for the first time with our kids? Oh, my we need prayers. I guess I said that already.

I feel like we are going searching for a treasure and we're going to end up with more than we can take home in our treasure box.

Lord, you know the plans you have for us. We seek you with all of our hearts!! You have assigned us our portion and our cup...Surely we have a delightful inheritance in the children you will add to our family. Lord, lead us to the heart of our daughter who from the beginning of time you have already chosen for us. In Jesus' Name, amen.

2008-03-30T23:00:00.001-04:00

I got back from Illinois late last night after speaking at the Robinson Church of Christ Women's retreat. What a beautiful group of women - inside and out. We had a great time worshiping and searching God's word for the treasures of truth He has stored up for those who seek Him - and seek we did!

Today I mostly rested. Read a good book for a couple of hours. JJ was in TN running a half marathon (so proud of him!), and the boys were spending the weekend at my mom's house. It was so quiet, peaceful and relaxing here. Just what my tired mind and body needed.

We were scheduled for a house showing that never showed up, but then they came later tonight as we were headed out to some friends. My friend Jen and her husband, Bill, invited us to come over for dinner and watch the NCAA basketball game. Both JJ and I were so tired but I really wanted to have some "hanging out" time with our friends. We had gotten together with their family and other friends for Easter and it was so much fun. I wanted a repeat. I have a deep craving for time with friends these days.

I think with all the traveling I've been doing the past three years and working a lot, my soul has gotten a little depleted in the face-to-face friendship department. I am with people all the time and I love them. Really, God gives me the sweetest love for the women I meet. But then I come home and rarely see them again. I have to be very intentional about seeing my friends who are here because I will feel tired. I will feel like my people tank has been filled, but my relational tank is still low because my new friendships that I make at events can only go so deep since we just met.

I hope that makes sense. Do you have this same dilemma, or is it just me? Are there times when you're with people but it's so full of activity that you leave feeling like you really want to "be with" someone? Maybe it's just the touchy-feely side of me that longs to make memories with friends I'll know for years to come. I had a devo at P31 about friendships today and posted more thoughts on my journey blog, too. It's really something God has on my heart. Wonder why...

Trusting God To Accomplish His Plans

2008-03-26T10:16:00.005-04:00

JJ and I distributed fliers about our Open House on Friday night after the Good Friday service our church hosted. We put some in the racks at the grocery stores nearby. We also put some in mailboxes in the neighborhood we used to live in 10 years ago. It was fun to reminisce about where we are, where we've been and where God seems to be taking us. It was like watching a movie of our life as we drove through our old neighborhood and stopped to see our first home.

When we woke up Saturday morning, we decided to pause before we jumped into preparations. We sat down in the kitchen to have coffee and pray - asking God to show us how much to do to prepare before the Open House started at 2pm. We didn't want to be crazy maniacs trying to straighten every inch of our home and yard. We didn't want to fall into the trap of depending on our efforts to accomplish God's plans.

We knew we needed to clean the bathrooms, vacuum, dust and clean the kitchen. We also had a list of outside things that need to be done sometime: paint our shed, put more pine straw down in the back, pull weeds,fertilize trees, etc. But did we need to do ALL of that Saturday morning before the open house?

A peace settled over us as we talked and prayed. We agreed that we'd only do what really needed to be done - even if we weren't selling our home. So we focused on cleaning house. If we had time we'd work on the yard. We ran out of time. Our home was clean. Our yard still wasn't perfect but we were okay with that.

My friend/agent came with her business partner to host the Open House. JJ and I left to run errands since they didn't need us here. We had a great time buying things for the boys for their Easter baskets. Josh and Andrew were at a friends house so it was just us. A great Saturday date.

When we got home we found out that only one showing had occured. I felt bad for my agent/friend who gave up 3 hours of her day to meet the one person who stopped by. She said they got lots of work done on their computers and told me not to feel bad. Oh well.

In the end, we just want to look back and know that we gave it our all. We ran after the giant. We followed God's leading. We walked in faith. We were willing to have big hopes for this home, but tried our best not to put our hope in a bigger home. We actively put our hope in God and trust Him to accomplish the plans He had for us.

Life on Castlebay Drive

2008-03-20T22:35:00.000-04:00

We had another showing yesterday. This time I took the dogs and myself across the street to my neighbor's house. Daisy played in the back yard with their dog, Abby, while I spied to see who was viewing our home. It's really weird to watch a stranger walk up to your house and kind of eye-up your yard, then go in your front door when you are not there. This time it was a young woman driving a white sports car. Didn't look like someone who'd be interested in our very family-oriented home. But it was great to get a showing mid-week!

We have an open house Saturday afternoon. My Realtor, Aimy, who is also our radio ministry assistant, is doing the open house. She said I can be here but I have to remain quiet so people give honest feedback. I will probably hide upstairs in our bonus room and work on finishing taxes to keep myself occupied. I don't do "quiet" very well :->.

Speaking of taxes, I think we owe! I hope I've made some big mistake in Turbo Tax entries and that we're actually getting something back. JJ suggested we talk with an accountant to make sure we're aware of the best way to file, deduct and itemize, etc. So we're meeting with a CPA next week to review what I've already entered. I know if we owe, God will provide. It's just bad timing since we just paid a large amount for our earnest money on the new home contract and we paid our adoption application fee this week, which was a little over $2000. It's God's money so I'm hoping He's got some extra to pass our way if we need to write a big check.

Today was a beautiful day. The Bradford pear trees are in full bloom looking like huge dandelions blowing in the wind. All their white blossoms are sprinkled in my yard. It reminds me of wedding confetti. Our plum trees have a pale pink blossoms and they are so pretty. Just a beautiful setting for a home buyer. God's perfect timing again.

I was a little concerned about the Spring blossoms blowing in the wind because I had radio recording this morning and I have a lot of allergies. All that beautiful blooming can make me sneezy and wheezy which makes it really hard for me to record. Last year around this time I had to re-schedule my recordings two times due to bad allergies but today I was fine. I took extra anti-histamines last night and this morning. It also rained so I think that calmed everything down. Plus I emailed a few friends asking for prayer and it worked. My recording producer kept saying, "Wow, your voice is strong today (which means not scratchy). He never says that. I was SO thankful!!!

Tomorrow I have a radio interview for a station in Illinois to talk about an event I have next weekend. I always feel awkward doing phone interviews because I can't see anyone but it needs to sound very conversational. Yet, it's just me in my kitchen talking in the phone. Maybe I'll imagine all of you sitting there asking me about the retreat. Please pray for me. I really want to do a good job in sharing what God has on my heart for the women coming to this conference. Hope you have a great Good Friday! I am so looking forward to Easter weekend.

Four Showings & a Lost Dog!

2008-03-18T15:14:00.005-04:00

We had four showings on our house this past weekend. One on Saturday afternoon. Three on Sunday. One of Sunday's appointments was a second showing for the same people. All of the feedback has been very positive, but no offers yet.

On Sunday we packed up our two dogs, our two boys and the two of us and hopped in JJ's truck for a Sunday outing to visit friends and my mom. We needed to vacate for a few hours so we took the whole gang with us. We stopped by a friend's house to visit, but left the dogs in the truck. JJ slid the window between the cab and the truck bed open a little so the dogs could get air, along with the side windows.

When we came out to go to my mom's house our beagle, Daisy, was gone. She had pushed open the back window all the way. That girl has a history of running for miles to follow a scent. I love this crazy dog to pieces but she can give me a serious heart attack. I didn't see her anywhere and we had no idea how long she'd be out roaming the neighborhood - which is very large.

I started panicking. I assigned each adult to a different cars and we all went separate directions. We drove all throughout the neighborhood. I prayed that God would help us. My friend kept saying we could put up signs. I did not want to put up signs. I wanted to find my dog!! But Daisy was no where in sight. No one had seen her either, which was odd because the first thing she'll do is go to a stranger. She loves to meet new people.

Finally we circled back to my friends' house to see if anyone had found her. A neighbor stopped as they drove by to see what we were looking for. When we told them, they explained that they'd found Daisy and brought her back to our neighborhood (over a mile away) and to our home since our address was on her dog tag. They said no one was home but the door was open so they just put her inside.

I knew the door being open meant a showing was in progress. Oh no! What if she jumps on them and licks them to say hello (which she does to every new friend)? What if they hate dogs? What if she pees on the carpet right in front of them? (She is not house trained)

We quickly drove home to discover that a car was still in our driveway. I ran in and apologized for the surprise doggy-delivery. They smiled and said, "She's a sweet dog. We have a lab so it's no problem."

It ended up being a blessing. We got to meet them and give a face to the family who lives in the house they were looking at. I told them our story and said we're praying for God to lead us each step of the way, and to bring the family He has planned to make our house their home.

They were really receptive to meeting us, asked a few questions about the yard and were very complimentary on our house. They also told us they didn't have kids but were looking for something to grow into. On Monday we found out that our house is on their "short list" so despite our crazy dog-entry and interruption, we made their first-round cuts.

No calls or showings on Monday or today, but we are believing that God is going to give us the house and bring a new family to our home. I went up to the new house today to pray and walk through it again. Here is the verse God gave me to pray while I was there:

Lord, you have assigned (us) our portion and our cup; you have made (our) lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for (us) in pleasant places; surely (we) have a delightful inheritance. Psalm 16:5-6

A shot of Faith espresso, please!

2008-03-14T17:12:00.012-04:00

You may want to scroll down to "Swope family update" to read from the beginning of the story....

It has been a very surreal day. No calls. No showings. My faith feels weak. Things happened today that drew my eyes off the Lord and onto circumstances that could bring discouragement.

Lord, I believe. Help me in my unbelief.

Our agent emailed to say our listing had somehow not gone into the system. Then JJ discovered online that they are having a big open house this weekend in the home we have a contract on. Then I drove by it later today and they had taken off the "Under Contract" sleeve they'd put over the sign. When it's contingent they don't usually list it "Under Contract" but they had put that sleeve on this week and we saw that blessing as God protecting it from being bought out from under us.

Lord, I believe. Help me in my unbelief.

For the past few weeks I have gone back and forth on whether I wanted to move. Once the newness of the home wore off, reality set in. I have wavered between wanting to stay, wanting to sell, wanting to add on to our home, wanting to move to a newer neighborhood, wanting to wait we see how many children we'll adopt...wanting to hide and not want for a little while. Wanting to believe but afraid to be disappointed.

Lord, I believe. Help me in my unbelief.

At times I want to move. Then something reminds me of the memories we have here and I want to stay. Packing 10 years of life and memories into boxes makes me sad. Then I cleaned out closets and reorganized every room and wondered why we were moving. We have plenty of space...at least for the four of us. Then I remember our adoption and try to figure out where everyone will sleep and where we'll put the furniture we have if we convert our bonus/teen room to a bedroom. An hour later I drive by the home we found and pray for God to save it for us.

Lord, I believe. Help me in my unbelief.

Last week I hesitantly prayed that this wouldn't work out but then quickly whispered that I wanted it to be if it was God's best. I don't know if I am protecting my hopes from being dashed or just finding contentment in being here in this wonderful home God gave to us. Is it selfish to want more when so many others have so much less? If so, why would God have lead us this far?

Lord, I believe. Help me in my unbelief.

Finally I prayed that God would clearly lead through JJ. He's been frustrated and confused by my wavering at times. The next morning he came back from running and knelt by my bedside. He spoke with with confidence I hadn't heard in a while. "Renee, I went running and stopped by the house and prayed. I sat on the porch and looked at the stones and then out on the land in front of it. It's the most beautiful view that goes on for miles since it sits on a hill. It's the closest we'll get to having a mountain house in Charlotte (another dream of ours). Renee, I know that God wants us to go for it. I don't know what will happen but I do know that David didn't hesitantly walk towards Goliath - he ran. He confidently went after what God had called him to conquer. God wants us to go for it with all of our hearts!"

Lord, I believe. Help me in my unbelief.

I knew that day that God was leading through my husband, and there is no safer place for me to be than under my husband's spiritual leadership as He pursues God's heart. So today, I am remembering. I am reflecting on the hand prints of God around the "mug" of my heart where HeBrews my faith. I want to walk in confidence believing He will complete what He has started. I want to run after this Goliath and trust God to give us what He already has determined in the plans He has for us, no matter what they are!

Lord, I believe!

Only God can sell our home...

2008-03-14T11:47:00.006-04:00

We kicked into high gear and got our home ready to go on the market. It was hard to think that my neighbors might see me walking to the curb with a sign in my hands. But I finally gave in and put the For Sale placard in our yard before I left for work Thursday. I think about how I want to move and how I want to stay. I look down the street and see two other similar signs. And I remember what we've known all along....only God

Only God can sell our home in 30 days
Only God can orchestrate a closing in another 30 days
Only God can bring a buyer with 5 houses on our street for sale
Only God can keep the new house from being bought by someone else
Only God knows the house He has for us
Only God....

Psalm 127

1 Unless the LORD builds the house,
its builders labor in vain.
Unless the LORD watches over the city,
the watchmen stand guard in vain.

2 In vain you rise early
and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—
for he grants sleep to those he loves.

3 Sons are a heritage from the LORD,
children a reward from him.

4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are sons born in one's youth.

5 Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame
when they contend with their enemies in the gate.

Only God Can Make a Way

2008-03-14T11:33:00.004-04:00

"Only God can get us this house. No doubt about it, there is nothing we can do to make this work."

I thought this again and again. I told JJ and He agreed. I told my friends and they nodded with confident assurance. As we walked forward, we asked God to open or close each door so we'd know that it was Him. We both had lost a little bit of the lustre of a new home just knowing the expenses, the work, the challenge of selling ours, the risk of being the first one to buy in what looked like an abandoned neighborhood. And the biggest obstacle was that it was zoned for a different elementary school. We had promised Andrew we would not move if he had to change schools for fifth grade - the year he'd be the upper class man he'd been waiting since kindergarten to be.

Some friends said he'd be grand-fathered in as a fifth grader. Others argued the opposite. The Sunday after we'd first seen the house, I shared with my friend at church that we were in a holding pattern until we could get the school figured out. She encouraged me to talk to the assistant principal who goes to our church. After the service we shared our story and he told us if it was zoned for another school Andrew couldn't stay in his current school. I told him we'd just walk away and wait for God's timing since Andrew only had a year before middle school. He then offered to research it and call me back on Monday.

Monday morning as I drove past the new house and prayed for God's protection or provision - as we had done each day- my cell phone rang. It was the principal calling to confirm the new address. "Mrs. Swope there's been mistake. That neighborhood is zoned for our school. The realtor's listing is wrong." What? It's zoned for the same school!!!?? WOW. I couldn't believe it.

Over the next few days we crunched numbers and prayed really hard. I would go by each day and many, many times the door would be open either by mistake or b/c workers were in there. I got to spend hours in there alone praying over each room. Asking God to fill it with His presence and prepare it for our family or lock the doors and lead us in a different direction. Two times when I went by I was able to show it to two of my friends so they could pray and hope with me.

We made our offer last week and over a period of days we watched God once again do only what He could do. They took our contingency based on our home selling and closing in 60 days, before we would be locked in. They came down significantly on how much earnest money was required.They dropped the price over 30K and had already marked it down 50K from the original price. It's lower priced than any house we could find in the area. It's right were we needed to be financially and the offer they accepted in the end is exactly the number God gave JJ during His quiet time one day, based on our family's life verse reference number.

Only God...

The perfect house!

2008-03-13T10:56:00.000-04:00

I can't even believe I am writing this. Three weeks ago I was content staying here in our house. And today I think I am still content - well I was until I found out our dream home has an open house tomorrow and it may be discovered by someone who can buy it before we can.

Three weeks ago while I was driving home from radio recording I felt lead to look at the a tiny neighborhood just next to ours that had been started a year ago but never finished. I knew there were four model homes in there but that the builder had pulled out. Not an attractive option. Plus it's zoned for another school district so another reason it was not an option...at least not in our options. There had never been any for sale signs up so I wasn't sure why I was driving back there.

I pulled up in front of this beautiful home with stone on the front archway. We've always wanted stone on our house, I just sat there with my mouth opened. The significance of the stone is based on one of my husband's key life verses... "Listen to me, you who pursue righteousness and who seek the LORD: Look to the rock from which you were cut and to the quarry from which you were hewn;" It has great meaning to us and was given to JJ during a time when he was really struggling with his purpose in life. This adoption is a great part of his purpose as you'll get to hear about in the "Why are we adopting post?" soon to come.

I sat in my car wondering why I was there . Then I noticed the front door was open. So I got out of my car and walked in. There were cleaning people in there who welcomed me to look around.

To the left was a study painted in the same green we have in our living room. To the right was a dining room painted in a warm wheat color with burgundy drapes...all completely matching my current dining room. Then I walked into the great room and boy was it GREAT!! It too was painted a light wheat color with beautiful custom drapes that have deep red, mossy green and gold in them...matching my living room couches perfectly. I looked to the left and there was the master bedroom. Again my wall colors with matching drapes that would coordinate with my new bedspread that I never bought drapes for. (I'm all about colors and not having to do much when you move in a house...hence this was a big deal to me.) Also, we've always wanted a downstairs master.

I could barely breath at this point. I started running from room to room. The kitchen was beautiful with all new appliances that stay since it's a model. It has maple cabinets just like I've always wanted, a laundry room with more cabinets and a doggie bath - I'd never seen anything like it but we have 2 dogs and I have allergies so we have to wash them often. Very nice extra touch. Now I'm thinking this is too nice and to expensive. Why am I here?

I went upstairs to find two boy bedrooms - one is painted an army green that matches Joshua's new camouflage bedspread and the other is tan with electronics painted on the wall. Andrew has a passion for inventions and gadgets. I walk across the hall to discover a princess room with pearls and diamond rings beautifully painted on the walls by an artist. Another large bedroom in the back could be a master suite if my mom ever needed to move in with us (which is likely one day), or it could be a extra children's room or bonus room. Clearly more space than we need but definitely room to grow into. As I walk out of it I see a computer technology center off the hallway area with cabinets and file drawers that would be perfect for a family with lots of kids.

I grab my cell phone and call JJ. Hyperventilating, (Ok, I am exaggerating a little) to tell him that I've found the home we would build if we could, and that I think we need to schedule a showing - THAT NIGHT!!!

We called our friend who is a Realtor who lives close by and she met us at 5:30 at the house.! Now with great caution our Realtor begins to tell us the risks we face buying from a builder who has pulled out. I asked if we could just look at it, and then we could talk about the risks. For just a little while I want to live in dreamworld.

She and JJ couldn't believe how perfect this home would be for the family expansion plan we feel God calling us to. The yard even backs up to a wooded area that is a "tree save" so it can't be built on. Again, just what we've always wanted since we feel like our current backyard is a fish bowl with 5 yards that back up to it

Again, everything was perfect but as I mentioned - it was WAY out of our price range- so we knew we'd have to low ball an offer and see what God would do. If it was meant to be it will be and if not it'd be God's protection.

The next day our Realtor did lots of research and found out the the builder has had financing problems but that they are a great builder with very few complaints on their homes. They have purchased extended warranties on all the new homes and we'd have the assurance we needed going forward. She also found out that a large developer in our city owns most of the land in there and has a vested interest in who builds out the rest of the neighborhood.

All good news, but I needed to figure out what to do about the schools before we could go forward. That afternoon I kept hearing God whisper to my heart - wait and trust.

Swope Family Update

2008-03-13T10:33:00.000-04:00

I'm back and boy do I have a bunch to catch up on in our family blog! As many of you know we are going to adopt a daughter from Ethiopia. I'll share more in another post (hopefully soon) about how God lead us to adopt, but today I want to catch up on where we are in the process.

In January we completed our home study. That was quite the adventure. It was funny at times as we described how we met, what drew us to one another, what our family is like, what are dreams are for the future, why we want to adopt, etc. They also did lots of digging into our pasts which was interesting to see the high contrast between our upbringings.

The last visit was our case worker came to our home to see where we live and meet our boys. It was so cute to watch Andrew give her the tour and tell her about our family. When asked about his concerns he talked about being afraid she'd get bullied and that he'd want to protect her. Joshua talked about his concerns being if she didn't like us or connect with our family. All normal and precious thoughts to me to see into their hearts. Both of them are very excited about our adoption and just don't understand why it takes so long. They hope she knows we are coming to get her. (Although we don't know yet who "she" is but we're asking God to assure her heart that she is going to be found and brought home.)

While our homestudy was being completed, we recieved our approval for fingerprinting and the I600-A form is being processed. The next step is to send our homestudy to our adoption agency. It was ready to go, but I'd been feeling like we needed to pray more and look into more agencies. I think it was all the risk factors of attachment disorders that scared me into "lets make sure we do all that we can to find just the right agency mode."

So we did more research during February only to come back to the original adoption agency we had been leaning towards from the beginning. JJ laughs at me because he can move forward with a commitment much more quickly than I can. I need options . I want to know as much as I can about each one and then choose the one that "fits" best in my heart. I think that is just the way my heart works and I love him so much for letting me be me.

During January and February we were also pondering the idea of moving to a little bigger house with more bedrooms in case God leads us to adopt two childre. We looked at a few houses and then decided we couldn't afford what we want in this area, and we don't want to change schools. So we settled on staying here for a while and re-evaluating after our daughter(s) come home. We could probably make space for one although it would mean giving up our bonus room where all the kids hang out when we have guests, and church gatherings at our house, etc. Somehow we'd make it work and if God wanted us to move then He'd lead us to a different house.

Day 3 - Falling Forward

2008-01-22T18:43:00.001-05:00

Sorry about the long pauses in my cafe postings. I am doing a series on friendship on my Journey site and it's hard to be active with both at the same time but I am determined to find a way. If you're here for the first time, be sure to scroll down when you have time and read our whole Ski story.

Day 3: I woke up with my eyes swollen shut and my face so tight it hurt. I don't know what the problem was; maybe altitude?! You may be able to tell in this photo because I can barely smile.

We hit the slopes really early and JJ decided to stalk some of the ski instructors to figure out what they taught those little 3 year olds who could ski without poles. I suggested lessons, but no he was determined to save some money and time. He told Joshua and me they'd meet us at lunch and be ready for the big slopes!

Joshua and I ventured out to a few new runs since we'd gotten more snow and more lifts were opened. It was unbelievable how many slopes and lifts there were. You had to ski to one lift, then take it up to the next peak, then ski down another to get to the next lift to get higher. It was very confusing but we found our way to some amazing places.

We stood at the top of one peak and it was BEAUTIFUL, but then I looked down and panicked. We had taken an intermediate trail that offered no way down except an advanced slope. The intermediate run that would normally be an option was CLOSED.

Joshua kept saying, "Come on mom, it's not that bad. Watch me." I noticed an instructor showing a student how to get down - alive - so I went for it. It was SOOOO steep. I must have been going 50 mph!

When I got to the bottom there was a huge patch of trees with un-groomed snow in front of them for 30 feet. No stopping there, my only option was to take a sharp curve. Well, I didn't turn soon enough and ended up in the snow which was so thick I totally lost control.

I fell so hard my skis went flying, my neck jerked back (slamming my head into the ground), my legs were twisted and buried in a foot of snow, the wind was completely knocked out of me and I couldn't get up! Mr. Professional skier with no polls, Joshua, was standing at the curve watching and waiting for me to untangle my pretzeled self!

That was it - no more skiing for me! I had fallen hard and it hurt really bad. There was no way I was risking another fall like that. I was too tired and it wasn't worth it!

I laid in the snow trying to breath and figure out how to break the news to Joshua, when God clearly whispered to my heart, "Renee, you will never see all that I have for you if you are not willing to get up from a painful fall and keep going." Oh, and how right HE was! Look at what I would have missed that day.

A falling star became a super star!
Day 2

Day 3
Yes, that is the same child. He learned how
to ski down that huge slope - all alone.

JJ's ski instructor stalking worked.
He and Andrew joined us on the big slopes and
we ALL got to go to the very top.

Look at this amazing view!!
God knew what He had for me to see but I had to be willing to trust HIM and get up!

If I had quit, I would have missed God's sweetest blessings. But it wasn't just a lesson for that day. It was a truth that I think about again and again. How often I fall in life and get hurt. I don't want to get up and try again. I'd rather go sit in one of life's warm lodges with a little hot chocolate. Yet, what I would miss in life if I weren't willing to get back on my feet and trust Him again.

So if I ever tell you I want to quit because something is too hard or it hurts to much, please remind me of this story.

Day 3 - Snowing Silly!

2008-01-11T15:36:00.000-05:00

Welcome to my family blog! If this is your first visit, I 'm so glad you stopped by. I am in the middle of sharing photos, memories and God stories from a ski trip we took in December. Click here to start at Day 1 and find out how we got there; it was totally unplanned, at least according to our calendar. But God!

Day 3 - Here I am with my silly Andrew. I dropped one of my ski poles from the chair lift when he was with me. So we had to ski down this really steep hill to get it.

Instead of going back up to the top, we decided to wait for JJ and Joshua to come to us. It took them a while so we laid down in the soft, fluffy snow and took photos of ourselves to pass time.

When we all got back together, we decided to take this really long path down the mountain. It was mostly trails with a few steep hills. By then Andrew had mastered the slopes and was having a great time. Here he and JJ are posing in front of the signs that we followed to find our way back to the ski village. You've got to click on it to see their faces. They are such characters but it did really got confusing at times.
You might also notice Joshua on the ground pointing them in the right direction. He would often ski ahead of us and then lay in the snow waiting for us to catch up with him. He said it was warm and cozy buried in that snow. We call him our polar bear.

Day 2 - Let It Snow!!!

2008-01-08T23:53:00.000-05:00

We woke up Sunday morning to thick blanket of fresh snow! The conditions were perfect for skiing. We dressed in fifteen layers and went down to the hotel ski rental shop to pick up our gear. Then we took the shuttle bus to Lion's Head circle where we got our lift tickets and rode the Gondola up the mountain.

It was amazing to ride in a heated, enclosed, glass case instead of a metal, frozen bench with a bar that barely keeps you in! It was a long and relaxing ride up. Our anticipation grew as we realized the amazing view we would have all day. We had no idea what awaited us at the top.

I have never seen anything quite so beautiful. Only God knows how much His girl loves snow and that I feel closest to Him in the mountains. I wanted to bow down and worship Him right there. It was glorious and majestic. I just couldn't believe we were here. I couldn't believe this was on earth and not in Heaven. Tears filled my eyes when I thought about the gift I almost missed.

JJ and Andrew decided to start in the beginner area at the top of the mountain where it's fairly flat (in Colorado terms) to get used to their skis and get some practice runs. They used the magic carpet a few times and then took the beginner's lift so they could really start skiing.

Meanwhile, Joshua and I went on the intermediate slopes which ended up being more advanced than we expected. he got frustrated because I kept taking photos. Here are few that we took in that area. That is one steep slope behind me. Maybe photo opps were my way of stalling.

JJ and Andrew decided they were ready for the bigger slopes. What they didn't realize is that there is not really an in-between level from where they were to where we were. We ended up in an area where Andrew wasn't ready to ski at that level. He kept falling. He was getting frustrated and tired.

So, I decided I would "ski" him down the mountain. That was a crazy idea. But once I started, I didn't have a choice but to keep going.

We almost died a few times. Seriously, I was screaming "JESUS help us" really loud and then we'd slow down. Then we'd come to a steep place or a ledge and I'd start screaming prayers again. Andrew got to see and feel the power of Jesus' Name that day!

All Andrew had to do was stay centered with his skis between mine. All I had to do was hold his weight and steer us down. It was a miracle we survived. I skied the same run by myself later and it made me shudder to think we had just risked our lives and lived!

We only fell once. Funny thing is we fell at the very end on an area that wasn't steep. It was just slick! Actually, I fell. Andrew slid out from me and skied by himself down the rest of the slope. Maybe I should have timed that sooner.

I told him how proud I was of him not panicking and staying focused so we could make it down together. He said, "Mom, you did all the work. I just had to lean on you." It made me think about how God does all the work if we'll stay centered in Him, lean our weight on Him and let Him guide us along life's path - the steep, the dangerous, the adventurous and the beautiful.

We were all EXHAUSTED that night. I could barely move. Here is JJ and Andrew recuperating on the couch. I took a hot bubble bath and JJ took the boys to the hot tub outside in the snow-covered pool area.

Day 1 - Vail Memories

2008-01-07T19:55:00.000-05:00

The Christmas event that brought me to Colorado was Saturday morning. It was a "Table Scapes Holiday Brunch" and it was beautiful!

Each table was hosted by a different woman or pair of friends in the church and decorated to reflect her Christmas personality. Many of the guests were neighbors, co-workers, friends and family.

Melinda was the hostess of the event. She is also the music minister. She made sure the catering was just right, the program was on time and that women were having fun. She had us sing the twelve days of Christmas and each table stood up to say what they as a group had decided what we wanted, for instance 1 diamond ring, two perfect boo_s, (I'll let you guess what that table wanted), 3 spa days, 4 Lambourguines, 5 tropic vacations, 6 cleaning ladies, and on it went. It was hilarious!! And also revealing of the wealth in that area.

What's I loved is that they are a small church- I think 200 members - tucked in a small ski village just outside of Vail. It's a very unchurched area but this event is one that women look forward to each year. They had over 100 women there and five prayed to receive Christ as Savior after the message. It was a beautiful time to unwrap the gift of Christmas - Immanuel, God with us!

While I was speaking, JJ and the boys were back at the hotel playing in the snow. The snow storm that came through Friday night brought us several inches of white fluff!!! Here's the parking lot and our view from the balcony in our room.

I took a nap that afternoon and then we went for a walk around our beautiful hotel. We stayed at the Cascade Resort and Spa near Lion's Head Circle. Melinda had found a great deal for rooms that weekend for us. Another huge blessing from God. It had a large stone fireplace in the lobby, a fancy spa, a large indoor gym, running track, two hot tubs, heated pools, etc. Most of which we didn't use but it was fun to know they were there.

When I said NO and God said GO!

2008-01-06T08:30:00.000-05:00

Today is the day I start my Vail photo journaling. I'll post a little each day like pages in my scrapbook. This is a long post but seeing how we got to Vail and how we almost missed an amazing gift from God makes the photos and stories that will follow even sweeter! Here we go....

One Tuesday in early October our speaking coordinator, Barb, called me into her office to see if I was available to speak in Edwards, CO at a Christmas brunch December 1st. I knew I was speaking in New Hampshire Tuesday and Wednesday night that same week. I'd be returning Thursday and would need to fly out Friday morning to get to CO in time. It was too much and I didn't want to leave my family again, so I told Barb I wasn't available.

Barb came back a few days later for suggestions since two other they were considering weren't available either. I suggested a couple of speakers that would be a good fit. Lots of calls were made, options were discussed but still no speaker was working out.

On Tuesday, October 15th, I said a simple prayer asking God to help us help them find the right speaker. Immediately the thought went through my mind, "You haven't even prayed about this event. You haven't talked to JJ about it. You just looked at your calendar, saw that timing would be tough and said no."

I knew it wasn't me thinking these thoughts. It was God's Spirit convicting me. I felt Him impressing on my heart that He wanted me to speak at the event and that He wanted to bless us.

I thought I remembered the church's budget being enough to cover my fee and possibly pay for my family's travel. So, I called JJ and told him about it. He immediately looked at that week's schedule and said, "No way, we have too much going on already." I explained that I thought so too, but I felt like God wanted us to pray about it. I asked him to research where Edwards, CO was and if ther was any skiing nearby, since I love to ski and we were saving for a NC ski trip this winter.

We got off the phone so I could go to a meeting. Fifteen minutes later he called me on my cell and said, "Renee, Edwards is 15 minutes from Vail, Colorado. Airline tickets are $300 each. If they can pay their full speaker budget there would be enough to cover our airfare and possibly some of our hotel."

I really felt like God had something special He wanted to do, and that He wanted me to trust Him but I also felt awkward because I'd never asked a church to pay their full budget if it exceeded my fee. Yet, I knew my heart would just ache if I had to leave my family again that week. Not only would I just be getting back from NH, I would have also been gone two other weekends that month. So, if God wanted me to speak at this event I needed Him to provide a way for us all to go.

I called the event leader and explained why I had declined initially and what I had been through that morning. I told her I'd love to come speak if they were willing to pay their budgeted amount so that my family could travel with me. She was thrilled that I could come and happy to have my family join me. She immediately got on the internet and found an incredible hotel deal for us right in Vail. Soon after, we locked into $300 flights and before we knew it we were headed to Vail the week after Thanksgiving.

I would be remiss if I didn't tell you the hard parts of this amazing blessing. Getting there took an act of God! I had been on a working cruise with P31 for 5 days before Thanksgiving (getting minimal sleep), traveled all day and got home late that Monday night, did laundry, cleaned house and worked from my laptop in bed all day Tuesday, played catch-up at work on Wednesday, cooked a holiday meal, entertained family on Thursday and then had to find a way to pack up my 3 guys and me to go skiing before I left for NH the following Tuesday since I'd have no time to pack when I got back.

We own NO ski wear and only one set of luggage. BUT GOD!! I cried out to Him (literally at one point in tears because I was so overwhelmed with all the travel) and to my friends for help and they came to my rescue with duffel bags on wheels, suitcases, every piece of ski wear needed for every member of my family. One friend even brought us dinner the Thursday I flew in from NH and needed to unpack and re-pack in less than 24 hours to get us ready to leave for CO. My mom and JJ ran the show at home and it all happened. We got there!

Yet the day we arrived there was NO snow on the ground. No snow. My kids were so disappointed when we landed in Denver and the ground was brown and flat.

We started praying and wondering what God was thinking...But then we heard a weather report on tv discovered that a snow storm was headed our way. We had arrived just in time for God's first snow of the season in Vail. God's timing was perfect and the presentation of His gift was beautiful!

Here's what we saw as we drove from Denver to Vail.

So, have you ever missed (or almost missed) one of God's blessings because it looked like it just wouldn't fit into your life, your budget, your schedule, your plans?

God's Plan for Today

2008-01-04T13:27:00.000-05:00

I am so sorry to those of you who came visiting in hopes of seeing my Vail photos posted. I so wanted to do that today. I can't wait to share God's story behind them, but God has another assignment for me today.

My neighbor has stage 4 breast cancer and it's spread to her bones. She started chemo yesterday and is very sick today. I had planned to be home to do some blogging and scrapbooking. But I found out Kim is really sick and needed help with her four-year old cutie pie, Matthew.

So instead of blogging, I am playing with moon sand and "twucks", watching Thomas the Magic Railroad, eating chicken nuggets and searching for more little boy toys in my attic. He's the cutest thing and so fun to have around.

Please pray for Kim, her nausea, her cancer cells to be haulted and for healing in her bones and shrinking of her tumors. We serve and love a God who is ABLE. I am crying out for Him to be willing to shower His power and healing on Kim today. Please join me.

I'll be back with photos soon!

The Almost Forgotten Gift

2007-12-24T11:05:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas friend! I pray that Jesus will fill your heart and your home with sweet assurance of HIS presence and the promise of His unfailing love!! Just in case you are new to my blog, or didn't read a story I posted earlier this month on my other blog, I want to share something I am trying to remember today and all throughout this week.

A few years ago I started making plans in November for the perfect Christmas. Our families lived out of town so inviting them to our new home for the holidays was a dream come true. The fact that they could all come at some point between Christmas and New Years was just short of a miracle!

Plans danced in my head as I thought about my mom, my brother and my husband’s parents dropping in. My dad and his wife were going to be here Christmas day and JJ's brother and his family were coming, too. However, by the time everyone got here, I couldn't wait for them to leave!

You see, I had gotten tangled up in Christmas lights and unrealistic expectations. My husband and children petitioned for colored lights on the tree that year! What? I don't do colored lights on the tree. I am a "white lights" kind of girl! Not only did they want colored lights, they had the audacity to vote for blinking colored lights, and they weren't kidding!! JJ then suggested that determining decorating schemes should be a "family activity." After seven years of white lights, what had gotten into him? Who was this man and why had this not been discussed during pre-marriage counseling? I seriously thought I was going to lose it.

The control freak in me was freaking out! Don't get in the way of my perfect Christmas with white lights that make me and my home feel peaceful, I thought. Attempts to have the perfect house, the perfect menu and the perfect table settings were stealing my holiday joy! This was my first time hosting a family holiday dinner, so I failed to notice that my Christmas place mats didn't coordinate with my everyday cloth napkins and I didn't have festive napkin rings. Worst of all, I didn't know how to cook a turkey - I had never cooked a Christmas turkey. I had never cooked a Thanksgiving turkey or a July fourth turkey!

In the midst of all the holiday obligations (that I placed on myself), I experienced one of my worst Christmases. I had a house full of people, but an oh-so-empty heart! Christmas day I walked through my living room picking up wrapping paper and wondering why my dreams of a "perfect Christmas" hadn't come true. Isn’t this what I’d wanted? Many of the elements seemed to be in place: kids running around with remote control cars, adults on the couch snoring to the tune of jingle bells, and grown men playing sidewalk hockey in the driveway. Weren’t we having a Christ-centered Christmas? We'd lit Advent candles and set out the nativity.

Trying to escape the holiday noise, I went upstairs to my bedroom to read my Bible. I tiptoed into my walk-in closet and sat in a corner hoping no one would find me. I opened my Bible to read the Christmas story: “She gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped Him in cloths and placed Him in a manger…" (Luke 2:7). Glancing at the footnote, I continued to read: "The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and you will call Him Immanuel, God with us."

Closing my eyes, I imagined Mary wrapping baby Jesus just like a gift. Her hands carefully folding each corner as she placed a kiss on his forehead. He was just like the gifts I wrapped and placed under my tree, I thought. Then I imagined an unopened gift still under my tree waiting to be unwrapped so God could give me the gift of His presence.

I’d forgotten to open the most important gift of all, the gift of Immanuel, God with us.I bowed my head again and unwrapped God’s presence in my closet that day. I invited Jesus to bring calm to my anxious heart. To bring His perspective to my expectations and to help me enjoy the gifts of my family that were waiting downstairs. Simply delighting in the fact that He was with me brought peace to my heart unlike anything white lights and matching table settings could ever bestow. It ended up being the perfect Christmas after all!

Dear Lord, no matter how busy life gets or how lonely I feel this Christmas, I want to unwrap the gift of Your presence each day. Help me to see You, hear Your voice speak to my heart, and pay attention when You lead me with Your peace and Your perspective. I seek Your purpose in all of my plans. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

A Christmas Prayer

2007-12-24T11:00:00.000-05:00

That day I read the story of Jesus' birth in a whole new light, and in the years that followed this prayer was birthed in my heart. It's a prayer I pray often as I still seek to prepare a place for Him in the manger of my heart and home.

The Manger of My Heart

This Christmas, Lord, come to the manger of my heart.

Fill me with your presence, from the very start.

As I prepare for the holidays, and gifts to be given,

Remind me of the gift You gave,

when you sent Your Son from Heaven.

The first Christmas gift, the greatest gift ever,

You came as a baby born in a manger.

Wrapped like the gifts I find under my tree,

Waiting to be opened, to reveal Your love to me.

This Christmas, Lord, come to the manger of my heart.

Search me and know the most intimate parts.

Reveal to me if I have ever hung a sign within,

Claiming it off limits, implying “no room at the Inn.”

Restore to me the wonder that came with Jesus’ birth,

when He left the riches of Heaven

and wrapped Himself in rags of earth.

Emmanuel, God with us, Your presence came that night.

As angels announced, “Into your darkness,

God brings His Light.”

“Do not be afraid,” they said, to shepherds in the field.

Speak to my heart today, Lord, and help me to yield.

Make me like those shepherd boys, obedient to your call.

Casting distractions and worries aside,

to You I surrender them all.

Surround me with Your presence, Lord,

I long to hear your voice.

Clear my mind of concerns and all the holiday noise.

Slow me down this Christmas, let me not be in a rush.

In the midst of parties and planning,

I want to feel Your hush.

This Christmas, Jesus, come to the manger of my heart.

Invade my soul like Bethlehem, bringing peace to every part.

Dwell within and around me,

as I unwrap Your presence each day.

Keep me close to You, Jesus.

It’s in your wonderful Name I pray.

Feel free to share this prayer by copying and pasting it into another document. All I ask is that you please include the copyright and my website.

Swope Christmas Letter

2007-12-22T20:38:00.000-05:00

Keeping with tradition, we’re writing our letter 3 days before Christmas. We decided it's a year-end-letter like Charities send for year-end-donations. So, feel free to send money :-). Here's what's new with us:

Joshua will be 13 in May. How did our firstborn become a pre-teen? That shy little boy who was glued to us as a toddler is now very social. He loves middle school. This fall he auditioned for the sixth grade Shakespearean production of Macbeth. He was assigned the role of lead witch and did a great job! We were very proud of how much he practiced and portrayed the character so well. He made God look really good by making evil look really bad!! He’s almost as tall as I am but he’s still just as thoughtful as ever.

Andrew will be 10 in January and is in fourth grade. His favorite subjects are math and writing. He's very active and imaginative. He says the funniest things and keeps us all on our toes. He plans to be a movie producer one day. Andrew is quite the social butterfly, too. Life is all about fun and friends. His teacher loves his sense of humor and told us recently that he sets a great example for his classmates to have a positive attitude and be respectful. Also, Andrew overcame his fear of falling and became a great skier! We're so proud of him.

JJ is still enjoying his role as a project manager with Vanguard. He likes it because he is managing people more than computers. Encouraging others is his greatest strength. We love that he doesn’t have to travel and he’s home most nights for dinner. On the weekend’s I’m speaking, he and the boys love to go camping and hiking. The father/son camping trips he started 3 years ago have expanded quite a bit. In October he had 61 dads and kids. When they got home, he was so exhausted but SO happy!! It’s his true calling! They can’t wait until their trip in the Spring.

Renee is keeping busy with the kids and JJ while working when the boys are in school. I’ve been wearing a new hat for the past two years as producer of Proverbs 31 Ministries one-minute radio feature that airs weekdays around the world. (You can listen online at www.Proverbs31.org). I co-host the show, too, so I write and record 10 shows every few weeks. It stretches me a lot, but it’s been fun. Also, I contributed to a compilation book that includes my stories of God-moments in everyday life with our family. It’s called God’s Purpose for Every Woman.

The highlights of our year have been traveling together. This summer we went to Indiana and Hershey, PA for family reunions. We also took two amazing trips with my speaking events. We were thrilled when I was asked to speak in Cayman Brac and Vail, CO. It was such a gift because both events paid JJ’s way and one paid most of the boys’ expenses, too. We made great family memories on an island in September and on the slopes in December. We all learned to snorkel and the boys became great skiers, too!

As I look back on the amazine blessings of this year, I can’t help but remember a prayer we prayed when we sensed God calling me to speak and travel. I felt inadequate, afraid and very hesitant about being away from my family. A wise friend encouraged me to ask God tp bless our family in a way that would only be possible if we said yes. Boy has He!! In addition to our trips, JJ started his camping adventures during weekends I was away. He never knew how much he'd love it and he's making such a difference drawing fathers and sons together.

We're learning that God has great things for us if we'll trust Him. This year we're gearing up for some more amazing adventures. We'd love to keep you posted on what's going on with us through our new family blog at www.HeBrewsFaithCafe.blogspot.com. And we'd love to hear from you so please log on and say hello sometime!

Merry Christmas!

To Write or Not to Write?

2007-12-22T14:29:00.001-05:00

We're just three days from Christmas and as tradition would have it, I am just writing our Christmas/New Year's letter. I considered not sending one, but then I knew I'd be risking getting cut from others' lists. I really like looking at cards, especially those with letters and photos.

I decided that by the time our card/letter and photo arrives it will be a nice little surprise during the after-Christmas-lull. At least that is what I tell myself every year to make me feel better! Really, it's a blessing that I don't send ours before Christmas. It would just get lost among the others piled on counter tops or tucked in Christmas card baskets. This way people might read it, although it probably won't be that interesting.

This is when I go into my, "Why am I telling everyone all of this about our family? Do they really care?" questioning. Do you ever feel that way? Last year I didn't include a letter and someone actually wrote to tell us that they missed hearing a family update. So, this year I will give a run-down of our year. Maybe I'll just include the letter to those who might care to hear about it.

Well, since you're here reading our blog, I'll draft my letter and post it. Maybe you can give me feedback as to what to keep, what I might need to cut. I'll be back soon with my first draft...

And the winner is......

2007-11-05T21:40:00.000-05:00

The winner of my "fall" giveaway is Suzanne. Her favorites thing about fall is the cooler weather of and the smell of fireplaces. She also enjoys a chocolate chip frappucino. Mmm, sounds yummy to me. I may have to try that one! Suzanne, let me know your address and I'll send you the fall giveaways. And come back later this month, I may be giving away a Christmas CD soon.

2007-10-31T16:55:00.001-04:00

Just in time for a pumpkin spice latte, I am participating in the Fall, Ya'll blogger giveaway. And you can win!!! All you need to do is leave a comment to this post (with your email) and tell me what your favorite flavored coffee drink is or what you love most about Fall. I will do a drawing next week and you could win these faith and fall treats:

* Starbuck's $10 Gift card

* Copy of the P31 Woman Magazine

* Shaped with Purpose CD and Workbook

You can enter to win all kinds of cool stuff on Shannon's blog. She is the host for the Fall Y'all blog give away and has all kinds of people registered to give all kinds of things away. What a great way to start crossing names off your Christmas shopping list. Oh, and hop over to my Journey site, too. I'll be giving more treats away for those who sign up there.

Worry Is Like A Rocking Chair

2007-09-26T13:08:00.000-04:00

I once heard it said that "Worry is like a rocking chair, it will give you something to do but it won't get you anywhere!"

When I look at this rocking chair I feel peaceful, which is the opposite of worried! Isnt' peace what we long for? Paul wrote about finding peace in the midst of our worries in Philippians 4:6-7. He said, "Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” (NLT)

I want God to guard my heart and mind with peace as I tuck myself into Jesus and live in Him. The NIV translation says, "the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." I wander if God's peace could transcend my need to understand! Sometimes that is my biggest problem, I can accept what God is doing if He can just help me understand why He's doing it that way.

So, how do we get God's peace that is far more wonderful than our minds can understand? Paul gives us a prescription for the antidote of worry, and a thankful heart is one of the main ingredients...

Stop worrying
Start praying - tell God what I need.
Thank God for what He's already done

How many times do I take the wrong prescription? Here are the ingredients for worry: Do not be calm about anything; instead complain about everything. Tell God what He should do. Then take control if He doesn’t listen. And the anxiety that consumes your thoughts will devour your peace as you fold your arms and turn away from God!

We need a new drug! Pauls reminds us that God offers just what we need to experience peace. So, today when our concerns consume us, let's choose to stop and empty our hearts of our worries, talk to God about what we need and THANK HIM for His faithfulness and provision. I try to do this in my journal by listing all the times God has been there for me or my family. It's amazing the peace that comes when I choose to do these things and put my trust in Him.

“You will keep in perfect peace, (her) whoPublish Postse mind is steadfast, because (she) trusts in you.” Isaiah 24:4

Living in the Hear and Now

2007-09-21T01:04:00.000-04:00

It's that time of year again. School is back in full swing and so is my speaking schedule. I pray with each invitation to speak that God would make it clear if that is the place He wants me to be in on that weekend. Often my events are booked a year in advance and I have no idea what will be going on in my life, my family's schedule or at work. It used to make me really nervous, until one summer when God taught me a lesson about living in the hear and now.

John 5:19, “I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by Himself; he can do only what He sees His Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son does also.”(NIV)

I sat on the couch looking out the window thinking about the months ahead, wondering what that fall might hold. A lot had been happening in ministry - book developments, speaking engagements and great opportunities. My excitement, mixed with the fear of getting over committed, ignited a rapid firing of thoughts: Would I be able to do it all? Was God calling me to do it all? Was my ministry about to really take off?

Instead of worrying, I decided to start praying and wrote my questions in a notebook. "Lord, what should I say yes to? Where do you want me to spend my time? Please show me what you have planned for me this coming year."

I wanted God to give me a sneak peek into His calendar so I could adjust mine. Instead, I sensed Him telling me not to worry about tomorrow but to live in the hear and now. I think He may have even spelled it so I would be clear on the point of hearing.

I thought I’d been listening, but my prayers reflected that I wanted to know where to invest my efforts. God wanted my ears. He was more concerned about character than my calendar. Many times I’d sought God for the larger plans in life, convinced that if I figured out what He wanted me to do I could become the person He created me to be. Have you ever thought, “If only God would show me what job to take; what man to marry; what church to attend - then my life would be complete and I could serve Him with my whole heart”?

The problems is sometimes we get a glimpse of where He wants us to go and then assume we know how to get there. I’ve made that mistake many times and then wondered why I wasn’t getting anywhere.

Jesus depended on His Father for the large and fine print written in His life plan. He listened closely and obeyed quickly. Today’s verse reflects His absolute dependence: “The Son can do nothing by Himself; he can do only what He sees the Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son does also.” (John 5:19)

Like Jesus, we can’t fulfill God’s purpose for our lives unless our ears are always listening. We can only discover God’s calendar and calling when we live in the hear and now - listening for His voice and obeying here and now.

God, sometimes I have selective hearing. Many days I don’t even ask what You think about my plans and choices. When I do, it’s often because I am desperate and need to make a big decision. Then I get frustrated because I don’t know what you are telling me. Could it be I have a hard time hearing You because I have grown unfamiliar with your voice? Today, I lean in to listen. Make my ears attentive and my heart willing to live in the hear and now. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Faith Espresso

Each morning my goal is to quiet my heart and my thoughts. It's good for me to be still and acknowledge that God is God and I am not. Try this today. Ask Him to speak to You through His Word and His Spirit. Give Him permission to interrupt your thoughts and agenda so you can live in His hear and now for you!

Cayman Brac

2007-09-01T15:45:00.001-04:00

We're in the Cayman Islands this weekend. I am speaking at the "Barefoot and Breaking Free" women's retreat. We landed on the island Thursday. I wrote a little about our trip and posted more photos on my Journey blogsite if you'd like to read and see more.

It is so beautiful here and we are enjoying every moment together on our little "fantasy island." I keep waiting for Tatoo to run out from the bushes and chant, "De plane, de plane!"

My speaking sessions are in the evenings so we have all day to play, rest or go on island adventures. Several of us hopped on board a "dive boat" yesterday and were taken to an area off the island called "fish bowl" where we went snorkeling. It was the first time for the Swope family to go "under the sea" and it was incredible! We saw all kinds of fish, coral and sea plants.

Here I am with Andrew getting into our "fish fashion" gear and learning how to breathe only through our mouths. That was the hardest part for me. I think I sucked in too much air while I was swimming because I got really queezy snorkeling! I had to stay on the boat at the second site while the others snorkeled over a sunken ship. Bummer!

We decided to snorkel off shore here at the resort so I can get used to my sea legs before we go out on the boat again. I hope we can tomorrow!

A Faith Lift

2007-08-22T22:44:00.000-04:00

The morning after my mom's diagnostic mammogram, I dropped her off and came home. We were leaving for Indiana the next day but I had already packed everything in case I needed time for a meltdown. However, there was no need for that, we had received great news! I expected to feel overwhelmed with joy.

Although I did feel very thankful, I also felt a little numb. I couldn't figure out what was going on with me. So I went out on our back porch (one of my favorite quiet places) and just sat there, listening to my thoughts. I took out my journal and started writing and asked Jesus to help me process where I was spiritually, emotionally and mentally. I needed a faith lift!

I was in a bit of shock that the doctor's couldn't find anything. I also felt some doubt. Then I felt guilty for not having more faith. Were they missing something? Or had I just witnessed a miracle? Had God removed what her original doctor felt? Why didn't I believe?

Next came a sense of being unworthy of a miracle because I hadn't prayed as desperately as I thought I should have.

In the days prior to mom's appointment I had quietly whispered a prayer that God would remove the lump. But I hadn't begged Him. I hadn't ask more than one or two times because I didn't want to be disappointed. I have a default mechanism of not asking for too much. That way I won't feel as much of a let down if He doesn't grant my requests. I know that's not good.

I had also protected myself from being consumed by fear by not talking about it. I am a verbal processor so if I talk about something, the frequency and volume of my thoughts go up. If I don't talk, the frequency and volume of my thoughts go down. This was something I learned about myself the day I received news I didn't want to hear about my mom's very concerning lump.

What Jesus showed me that day is that His actions, His response, His love - are not based on my actions, my fervency, my begging, my faith or my lack of. What matters is the object of my faith, not the size of my faith.

My faith has nothing to do with me, but everything to do with HIM - the author and perfecter of my faith. Jesus gave me a faith lift that day by lifting my head so that I was looking into His eyes, focused on His heart and trusting in Him who is able to do immeasurably more than I ever think or ask.

You, O LORD, are a shield about me, my glory, and the One who lifts my head. Psalm 3:3

Update on My Mom

2007-08-21T11:35:00.000-04:00

I wanted to give a quick update for those of you who read my earlier entry "News I Didn't Want" and asked about my mom. Thanks so much for your prayers and concerns. I apologize that I left you without answers. When I started my blog it wasn't public. I was just journaling my thoughts and forgot to go back and finish - on my blog.Here is what I wrote in my journal at home that day after we returned from the doctor's office for her diagnostic mammogram.

WOW - what a morning!! They did an in-depth and highly magnified mammogram and then an ultrasound with one of those wands they rub across the area of concern. They could not find ANYTHING - no lump, no lesions, not anything. When the doctor came in to tell us his thoughts, he said "Everything is fine, we can't see anything..." Then the power and lights went OUT!! It was pitch dark. We couldn't see ANYTHING.

And it stayed that way for the rest of her appointment. We sat in the dark and talked for a few minutes without seeing the doctor or each other. I asked tons of questions to make sure they were really sure. How could this be? How could they not see ANYTHING when the doctor had documented that she felt a lump and gave it's size in centimeters on my mom's file.

The doctor reassured us that there wasn't anything there and suggested my mom return in six months to ease our concerns. I reached into my purse to get my cell phones out so the screen light could help us find our way back to the dressing room. My mom was so thankful she got in and got her results before the power went out. "Yeah, we're free!! No more nightmares, no more worries, no more sleepless nights. We're free!" She said and then she hugged me.

As we walked through the darkened lobby, others were waiting and wondering if they'd get in. It looked like it was going to be a while. Thank you Jesus for caring for us in such a detailed and powerful way.

I had made arrangements for Joshua and Andrews to be at a friend's house all afternoon, so I could go home and have an emotional meltdown if I needed to. Instead of an emotional meltdown, I went home and had a Faith Lift!

The Man Purse

2007-08-13T22:10:00.000-04:00

JJ and his "Man Purse" was quite the attraction at Hershey! Actually it's a quilted backpack that my mom made for me. It's perfect for amusement parks and airports - hands free. But my shoulders got tired so I talked him into carrying it for me. Is he secure in his manhood, or what? It even matched his shirt!

Anyway, women kept stopping and staring at him. One really slowed down as she walked by. He made this funny face because he thought she was looking at him weird. "She wants your purse!" I explained. Then the women turned around with a grin and said, "That is exactly what I want!"

What I love is that my man was willing to carry my load for me. He's such a servant! Love you honey. And I promise to get you a cool backpack for our next trip!

While You Are Sleeping

2007-08-10T18:49:00.000-04:00

Andrew has been going through a phase of doubts. The one that breaks my heart the most is when he questions whether I'll be there for him like I promise to be, whether it's coming to pick him up from a birthday party or being home when he returns from a friend's house. Both of our boys have struggled at times with the fear of being abandoned. I wonder if it's genetic because I had the same fears as a child. To assure my boys of my love and commitment, I'll often remind them of a time in the past when I kept my promise or when I showered them with love because I couldn't help myself! It wasn't because I had to, but because I wanted to! I wrote the following devotion this week as I reflected on this truth...

“The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17 (NIV)

Startled by silence, I jumped up and looked at the familiar neon red lights that told me it was three in the morning, time to feed the baby. Andrew hadn’t made a sound. Was something wrong? Or could he be sleeping through the night? I wavered between panic and joy as I felt my way down the hall to the nursery and leaned over Andrew’s crib. I listened for the sweet sound of his breathing and carefully rested my hand on his tiny chest to feel the gentle rhythm of its rising and falling.

Moonlight slipped through the blinds helping me to see that he was perfectly fine. Most sane mothers would have gone back to bed. But not me, I stood there for a while watching my child sleep. The love and joy that I felt at that moment was almost overwhelming. How could I love someone so much? My heart longed just to be near this little guy who set my days in motion with his cries and smiles.

Andrew developed a routine of sleeping through the night soon after, yet I would listen for his cries hoping I'd have a good excuse to check on him. While he was sleeping, I’d sneak into his room just because I wanted to be with him. Then I’d tiptoe into my older son Joshua’s room, and watch him slumber. As I looked at their faces, I’d dream of the little guys God was shaping them into. I’d whisper prayers for them to know Jesus in a personal way. I’d ask God to calm their fears, to fulfill their dreams, and to establish their steps to walk in His ways and not in the paths the world would pave for them.

There are still many nights that I sneak into to watch my children while they are sleeping, simply because I want to be with them. They aren’t doing anything to make me feel proud or happy. They may have even driven me to my wits’ end that day, but I enjoy them because they are mine. God feels the same way about you and me. He wants to be with us and promises to be there for us all the time.

God delights greatly in you! He is always there to quiet your heart with his love, even while you are sleeping. He watches over you, and I bet He even dreams of the woman (or man) He’s designed you to be. The Bible says His heart is filled with joy for you, so much so that sometimes He breaks into a song about it.

My friend Jill and I were talking about this and she said, "What a great reminder when nothing is going right; when we feel like the whole world is against us and nobody understands what we’re going through." So if you happen to be having one of those days, I hope you'll imagine the love of a parent watching their child sleeping and remember there’s a God who loves you even more than that!

Lord, thank You for the reminder that You are always with me and that You love to watch over me, every minute of every day – even while I am sleeping! Help me to completely believe the truth about Your love towards me. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Faith Espresso
Be still and believe that God is watching over you at this moment. No matter what you have done or what has been done to you, God’s love reaches down to hold you in His embrace. Bow your head and tilt your heart to listen to Him whisper, “You are precious in my sight and I love you.” Now breathe in and breathe out the reality that He hears your prayers, He knows your needs and He’s constantly by your side.

Coffee Talk
Do you ever imagine that God is watching over you, smiling and delighting in the fact that you are HIS child?

Would you like to begin a love relationship with Jesus today, accepting your secure position as God’s child? Click Do You Know Him? to know more.

If you could use more daily reminders of how much God loves you, read today’s Holy Grounds and write them on an index card or sticky note and carry them with you all day! And check out "Encouragement for Today" - free email devotions from Proverbs 31 Ministries.

Holy Grounds
Psalm 34:15, “The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry;” (NIV)

Psalm 139: 1-3, “O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.” (NIV)

Psalm 33:18, “But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him, on those whose hope is in His unfailing love.” (NIV)

A Hershey Kiss

2007-08-08T23:14:00.000-04:00

We had the best time in Hershey, PA!! We turned down Cocoa Avenue around 5:30pm, just in time to meet everyone at the house and leave for dinner at Bob Evans - a family tradition when we are with Grandma and Grandpa Swope.

Later that evening we headed to Hershey Amusement Park and surveyed the land in preparation for our all-day excursion on Saturday that would include 7 adults and 8 kids! JJ wanted to check out the new roller coasters and of course we had to go up to the top of the Kissing Tower. The kids had never been on it before and it was neat to watch them looking out into the night sky and see "Chocolate Town" glistening in the lights.

We rode the kiddie cars, the TrailBlazer mini-roller coaster (5 times, but who was counting?). Grandma and Grandpa thought the park closed at 10pm but when we got there we heard they were open until 11pm - so we stayed until they kicked us out. JJ's mom was waiting up for us when we got back to the house. We felt like teenagers!

On our way out of the park, we stopped to take a picture with the Great American Chocolate Bar! Then we walked down Chocolate Avenue under street lights that have Hershey Kiss-shaped lanterns. It was like going back in time for JJ to be able to share so many of his favorite pastimes with our boys. I'll share more photos and details from our vacation as soon as I get through the mountains of laundry and refill our refrigerator with food while I indulge in some Truffel-filled Hershey dark chocolate kisses!

Headed to Hershey

2007-08-02T23:27:00.000-04:00

We're on our way to JJ's hometown - Hershey, PA. He's really looking forward to taking the boys to Hershey Park - where he was a roller coaster operator in high school. They have this huge new waterpark and we'll also go to Chocolate World!

JJ's parents have planned this trip for us along with JJ's brother (Terry) and his sister (Tammy) and our families. They have reserved a house for all of us to stay in. Let's see there are four of us, four in Terry's family, six in Tammy's family and two very gracious and brave grandparents! That is 16 people in one house - wow, I hadn't counted until now.

We are at a hotel in Virginia now. We decided to drive five hours and stop for dinner and stay overnight. We ate at JJ"s favorite restaurant - Cracker Barrell. It was so yummy. We played checkers on the porch with the kids while we rocked in rocking chairs. There was a breeze tonight and I could have stayed there for hours.

But the boys were eager to get to the hotel so they could go swimming in the indoor pool. We are staying at a new Country Inn and Suites and it's very nice!! JJ found it for us on the internet. He did such a great job picking a good one. A few years ago he found us a great deal at a hotel in Savannah, GA. We got there really late and discovered it was in a not so great part of town. We barricaded the doors in the middle of the night after hearing what sounded like gun shots! It was actually a motorcycle backfiring in the alley right outside our room. Oh, I am so glad to be in this cozy and quiet room tonight!

The Rose Bush

2007-06-25T21:33:00.000-04:00

I shared this story at She Speaks in my message to the Women's Ministry Leaders. It was the last point about trusting God's plans and not our own in my message, The Heart of a Leader. I promised my freind Mary Ann that I'd write it for her, so here it is friend. You are a radiant reflection of God's glory and I love you!

I needed yard therapy. Something about being outside calms my heart and soothes my soul. Maybe pulling weeds and taking care of my spring flowers would distract me, or help me deal with the weeds in my heart. I just knew I needed to get some fresh air and get away from the reminders of what was happening in my life. My dear friend and mentor was moving. My women's ministry leader, the one who had believed in me, invested in me, helped me step out in faith and obey God's calling on my life to write and speak. The one I had plans to serve alongside until she retired. The one who had built one of the most amazing women's ministries in the country. What was God thinking?

I sorted through the clutter in our shed trying to recover some topsoil that was buried under rusty shovels and tangled rakes. As I came out of the shed I noticed our rose bush, planted in the center of our split rail fence, expressing her glory through the display of her pink blossoms across four feet of the fence.

How did that happen? I haven't done anything to care for that bush. I wonder if I should find some rose fertilizer and help her sustain those buds. We had some in the shed that I had never used. I knelt before the blossoming beauty and pulled weeds from her base, clearing the way for plant food to sink into the soil. As I pulled the weeds back, I noticed the base of the bush was divided into four sections. Should I leave them all together? Or should I pull them apart and place them at different posts on the fence. If I seperated them and planted them in fertile soil, and took care of them, eventually their vines would connect and create a blanket of beauty draped across the whole fence. This rosebush would be even more glorious than the current display. I decided that is what I needed to do.

As I pressed my hands into the dirt to find the right places to seperate the root ball, God whispered to my heart.

Renee, do you see this plant? Like the women's ministry, this plant has reached the fullness of it's glory. Each of you has been carefully planted in your giftedness, nurtured and encouraged through prayer, equipped through training, fertilized by opportunities to serve and you have produced fruit...fruit that will last! Now you are ready to divided into seperate plants so that MY glory in each of you will be more fully displayed as you are uniquely and individually planted in new places of ministry.

Is that what God was doing? You mean MaryAnn leaving wasn't the only uprooting I was about to experience? Was there more pruning? I couldn't bear the thought. And yet I knew we had come to place where our Women's ministry was healthy and truly amazing in its impact. Some of the programs were being shared on a national level so that others could benefit from what God had entrusted to us. But I did NOT like this new plan. It was no where in the dreams I had pondered in my heart. I had finally come to a place where I was comfortable and felt the courage to do more in ministry. I was surrounded by women who loved me. We were a team and I just couldn't do it without them.

Yet, as I imagined God's glory like that of the rose bush being more fully displayed, my heart settled into a place that felt very right. That day I knelt on Holy ground in front of my rose bush and surrendered the broken dreams in my heart. Even if it meant letting go of what I loved so deeply, it would be worth it if others would see HIM more clearly. Somehow I knew that with God's care, our vines would cross again in the Kingdom, and His beauty would be more gloriously seen in these new places where He was about to plant each of us.

News I Didn't Want

2007-06-15T14:19:00.000-04:00

My mom came by after her routine physical to pick up the boys yesterday. As she was leaving she told me her doctor had scheduled a diagnotistic mammogram and referral to an oncologist after finding an "area" on the bone behind her left breast. She wouldn't call it a lump. We both pretended we wouldn't worry because there is nothing she can do about it.

My Mom had breast cancer 15 years ago. This is not news I was ready to hear. I felt numb after she left. I went upstairs and busied myself with emails by cleaning out my inbox with responses and deletions. Finally the emotions started to surface, my head started to pound and I shut down. I went numb. I couldn't think. I couldn't talk. I knew I needed to let someone know. I couldn't even pray but I knew others could, so I emailed Lysa and LeAnn about something work related. Then I snuck in the news toward the end by asking for prayers. I emailed the speaker team next and headed to Starbucks for a frappachino - hoping it might help my headache.

I called JJ on the way. As soon as I tried to tell him about mom I lost my breath. I couldn't speak, I couldn't even hold the phone. I just laid it in my lap and tried to breath and drive. I couldn't see through the teas in my eyes. Finally the words came out. He just listened. Said he was sorry and then told me he was headed home soon.

I didn't want him to come home. I felt a desparate need to be alone. To escape. To deny what was going on by not talking about it. It was my only method of prevention. If I was with a human, I would have to talk about how I was feeling. I would have to process my emotions and thoughts. And I didn't want to. I wanted to do that alone at home in my silent sanctuary. JJ offered to order pizza and take it to mom and the boys at her house.

When I got home with my frappachino, I sat on the back porch. My mind raced down different paths that might unfold in the days ahead. I looked at our large yard and tried to figure out where we could add on a room to the back of our house for mom. I decided if we didn't have enough time, she could stay in the study and we'd turn our dining room into her sewing room. She hadn't even been diagnosed with anything! What had sent me into such a planning frenzy? Is that my way of controlling or predicting the unknown? Does processing the possibilities help me to also process my fears.

I learned something about myself today. I felt guilty for wanting to be alone. I didn't want to talk to anyone, not even God. But now I realize that my emotions are held at bay if I don't talk with someone. I can mentally process fear, anger, doubt, confusion, etc.. But if I talk out loud to someone, my emotions are completely uncensored and surface like a tidal wave. By being alone, I could avoid dealing with it. And honestly, I don't see how I can deal with it right now.

I don't know what is ahead for mom, and I already have so much on my plate already. Something like this can consume me and paralyze me from doing the things I've already committed to. She Speaks is next weekend. We've worked on this for the past year. There is SO much planned. So much to do!!! And on top of it all, I feel so inadequate to be teaching the leadership message on Friday. All I can do is pray and I guess now I am ready to do that....

Remind me today Lord, that you do not call the qualified, you qualify the called. Give me the word you have already planned to bring good news to the impoverished places in these women's hearts, to set them free from expectations, programming, people pleasing and lead them to a place of delight, beauty and freedom. Use me Lord to help the blind to see, the captive to run free and the prisoners to be released from whatever keeps them from being the women you designed them to be!

Lord, I place this "area" and concern for my mom in Your hands. I cannot carry this. I cannot be consumed by it. I trust you and your timing. I seek Your peace and complete focus in the next week as we wait for her appointment after She Speaks. I know that you have already given me a full list of assignments and I will be faithful to do them one at a time and trust you for those that await me when She Speaks is done. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Climbing or Coasting?

2007-06-04T15:23:00.000-04:00

It's Monday, the last Monday of school this year. The kids have been counting down. So have I, but for different reasons. They can't wait to stay up late, wake up early, play all day and be free from homework! I can't wait to go to bed earlier, get up later, and be free from homework histeria. But I am quite concerned about what we're going to do all day, every day!

I want this summer to be filled with life lessons and fun family memories like the one I had this weekend on a bike ride with Joshua, my twelve-year-old. We have this "mini-mountain" that leads out of our neighborhood. I decided we needed to conquer it on our bikes. It was great comic relief as I peddled up the incline. My bike was in 1st gear. I was peddling so fast, yet moving so slowly, that I looked (and felt) like I was on a stationary bike! I was happy to entertain those doing yardwork or driving home from soccer games. I saw a few grins.

I struggled up the long hill cheering myself on with a silly ryhme - "'Going up is a killer, but coming down will be a thriller!"

I thought about how sometimes climbing life's mountains is the killer. I used to believe the hardest part was walking at the bottom of the mountain, in the valley. But as I pondered some of my most trying times, I remembered that it was climbing to the next peak that was so hard. How often have I wanted to give up? It is often the new horizons and assignments that wear me out and convince me that I don't have what it takes to get to where God is leading me.

But like that bike ride, when I have stayed the course it has been worth the pain once I came to my new "peak." Celebrating the climb and the thrill of riding down is always the best part! I love letting go, lifting my legs and just coasting on the momentum of time and energy spent to get there. No effort, just enjoying what I worked hard for as I depended on God for His gain.

We rode down the hill and Joshua shouted, "Hey, let's do that again!"

"Forget it!" I thought. I wanted to ride on level ground, where only moderate effort would be required at least for a little while. The coasting never lasts as long as I want it to!

We ended up riding for another 2 hours. We made it all the way to a nearby Target to shop for a gift for Joshua's friend. We shared a soda and daudled around looking at cards and toys. Just being with Joshua was a treat. Lessons I learned about climbing and coasting were just an added bonus!