My mom came by after her routine physical to pick up the boys yesterday. As she was leaving she told me her doctor had scheduled a diagnotistic mammogram and referral to an oncologist after finding an "area" on the bone behind her left breast. She wouldn't call it a lump. We both pretended we wouldn't worry because there is nothing she can do about it.
My Mom had breast cancer 15 years ago. This is not news I was ready to hear. I felt numb after she left. I went upstairs and busied myself with emails by cleaning out my inbox with responses and deletions. Finally the emotions started to surface, my head started to pound and I shut down. I went numb. I couldn't think. I couldn't talk. I knew I needed to let someone know. I couldn't even pray but I knew others could, so I emailed Lysa and LeAnn about something work related. Then I snuck in the news toward the end by asking for prayers. I emailed the speaker team next and headed to Starbucks for a frappachino - hoping it might help my headache.
I called JJ on the way. As soon as I tried to tell him about mom I lost my breath. I couldn't speak, I couldn't even hold the phone. I just laid it in my lap and tried to breath and drive. I couldn't see through the teas in my eyes. Finally the words came out. He just listened. Said he was sorry and then told me he was headed home soon.
I didn't want him to come home. I felt a desparate need to be alone. To escape. To deny what was going on by not talking about it. It was my only method of prevention. If I was with a human, I would have to talk about how I was feeling. I would have to process my emotions and thoughts. And I didn't want to. I wanted to do that alone at home in my silent sanctuary. JJ offered to order pizza and take it to mom and the boys at her house.
When I got home with my frappachino, I sat on the back porch. My mind raced down different paths that might unfold in the days ahead. I looked at our large yard and tried to figure out where we could add on a room to the back of our house for mom. I decided if we didn't have enough time, she could stay in the study and we'd turn our dining room into her sewing room. She hadn't even been diagnosed with anything! What had sent me into such a planning frenzy? Is that my way of controlling or predicting the unknown? Does processing the possibilities help me to also process my fears.
I learned something about myself today. I felt guilty for wanting to be alone. I didn't want to talk to anyone, not even God. But now I realize that my emotions are held at bay if I don't talk with someone. I can mentally process fear, anger, doubt, confusion, etc.. But if I talk out loud to someone, my emotions are completely uncensored and surface like a tidal wave. By being alone, I could avoid dealing with it. And honestly, I don't see how I can deal with it right now.
I don't know what is ahead for mom, and I already have so much on my plate already. Something like this can consume me and paralyze me from doing the things I've already committed to. She Speaks is next weekend. We've worked on this for the past year. There is SO much planned. So much to do!!! And on top of it all, I feel so inadequate to be teaching the leadership message on Friday. All I can do is pray and I guess now I am ready to do that....
Remind me today Lord, that you do not call the qualified, you qualify the called. Give me the word you have already planned to bring good news to the impoverished places in these women's hearts, to set them free from expectations, programming, people pleasing and lead them to a place of delight, beauty and freedom. Use me Lord to help the blind to see, the captive to run free and the prisoners to be released from whatever keeps them from being the women you designed them to be!
Lord, I place this "area" and concern for my mom in Your hands. I cannot carry this. I cannot be consumed by it. I trust you and your timing. I seek Your peace and complete focus in the next week as we wait for her appointment after She Speaks. I know that you have already given me a full list of assignments and I will be faithful to do them one at a time and trust you for those that await me when She Speaks is done. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
My Mom had breast cancer 15 years ago. This is not news I was ready to hear. I felt numb after she left. I went upstairs and busied myself with emails by cleaning out my inbox with responses and deletions. Finally the emotions started to surface, my head started to pound and I shut down. I went numb. I couldn't think. I couldn't talk. I knew I needed to let someone know. I couldn't even pray but I knew others could, so I emailed Lysa and LeAnn about something work related. Then I snuck in the news toward the end by asking for prayers. I emailed the speaker team next and headed to Starbucks for a frappachino - hoping it might help my headache.
I called JJ on the way. As soon as I tried to tell him about mom I lost my breath. I couldn't speak, I couldn't even hold the phone. I just laid it in my lap and tried to breath and drive. I couldn't see through the teas in my eyes. Finally the words came out. He just listened. Said he was sorry and then told me he was headed home soon.
I didn't want him to come home. I felt a desparate need to be alone. To escape. To deny what was going on by not talking about it. It was my only method of prevention. If I was with a human, I would have to talk about how I was feeling. I would have to process my emotions and thoughts. And I didn't want to. I wanted to do that alone at home in my silent sanctuary. JJ offered to order pizza and take it to mom and the boys at her house.
When I got home with my frappachino, I sat on the back porch. My mind raced down different paths that might unfold in the days ahead. I looked at our large yard and tried to figure out where we could add on a room to the back of our house for mom. I decided if we didn't have enough time, she could stay in the study and we'd turn our dining room into her sewing room. She hadn't even been diagnosed with anything! What had sent me into such a planning frenzy? Is that my way of controlling or predicting the unknown? Does processing the possibilities help me to also process my fears.
I learned something about myself today. I felt guilty for wanting to be alone. I didn't want to talk to anyone, not even God. But now I realize that my emotions are held at bay if I don't talk with someone. I can mentally process fear, anger, doubt, confusion, etc.. But if I talk out loud to someone, my emotions are completely uncensored and surface like a tidal wave. By being alone, I could avoid dealing with it. And honestly, I don't see how I can deal with it right now.
I don't know what is ahead for mom, and I already have so much on my plate already. Something like this can consume me and paralyze me from doing the things I've already committed to. She Speaks is next weekend. We've worked on this for the past year. There is SO much planned. So much to do!!! And on top of it all, I feel so inadequate to be teaching the leadership message on Friday. All I can do is pray and I guess now I am ready to do that....
Remind me today Lord, that you do not call the qualified, you qualify the called. Give me the word you have already planned to bring good news to the impoverished places in these women's hearts, to set them free from expectations, programming, people pleasing and lead them to a place of delight, beauty and freedom. Use me Lord to help the blind to see, the captive to run free and the prisoners to be released from whatever keeps them from being the women you designed them to be!
Lord, I place this "area" and concern for my mom in Your hands. I cannot carry this. I cannot be consumed by it. I trust you and your timing. I seek Your peace and complete focus in the next week as we wait for her appointment after She Speaks. I know that you have already given me a full list of assignments and I will be faithful to do them one at a time and trust you for those that await me when She Speaks is done. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
1 Comments:
Renee, I am slowly but surely getting to all your blogs I have been at Litchfield with Kesha this past week aand what a wonderful and relaxing retreat. I am so sorry to hear there is concern for your mom again, whats going on now? Is she ok? I am praying for her and for you. Keep me posted and tell her I said hello. Penny
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